


You Are the Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine

by MegsAndBacon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Eventual James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Fluff and Smut, Friends in love, Friends to Lovers, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Mutual Pining, jily, other marauder era characters will appear, sirius and lily friendship, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:14:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegsAndBacon/pseuds/MegsAndBacon
Summary: "But Remus… somewhere along the way Remus had become something entirely different to Sirius, something that made his stomach twist in a way that was not entirely unpleasant, yet made him feel miserable at the same time.He didn’t even notice until fourth year. Of course, he knew that he liked snuggling into Moony’s soft sweaters when he was tired in the common room, and that he loved doing things that made his friend laugh, and that the mischievous glint in Remus’s eyes when he thought of a new prank idea gave him a thrill, and that soft little smile he saved just for his closest friends made Sirius melt just a bit, but he didn’t realize. What it all meant."--The story of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin falling in love, pining, bottling up feelings, and being general idiots who need a bit of a push to confess that they're hopelessly in love with each other.Title from Mine by Taylor Swift
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 34
Kudos: 160





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius wasn’t quite sure when it had started. 

It was entirely possible that he had been smitten with Remus Lupin from the moment they had first met, when he’d turned around to see the boy whose voice had just insulted some tosser Sirius recognized from one of his parents’ parties, while also standing against blood status elitism. He’d been met by a pair of amber eyes that seemed to dare him to challenge what he’d just said, and Sirius felt a grin stretch over his face, bigger than he’d known was possible. He yanked James’s robes so that he turned as well, and offered a hand to the boy standing in front of them. “I’m Sirius. This is James. We’re gonna need your name since we’re going to be your best friends now.”

Remus had looked at him, a hint of shock crossing his face as he took in this eleven-year-old boy with an air of confidence that certainly didn’t belong to an eleven-year-old boy, and he smiled back and shook Sirus’s hand. “I’m Remus.”

He had been enamored with Remus from that moment forward, but he hadn’t thought anything of it, past the fact that he’d just made a new friend for life. After all, he’d been enamored with James when they’d met earlier that day on the train, and through all the years Sirius had been friends with James, he had never fallen in love with him, or thought of him in any way that couldn’t be described as brotherly. But Remus… somewhere along the way Remus had become something entirely different to Sirius, something that made his stomach twist in a way that was not entirely unpleasant, yet made him feel miserable at the same time.

He didn’t even notice until fourth year. Of course, he knew that he liked snuggling into Moony’s soft sweaters when he was tired in the common room, and that he loved doing things that made his friend laugh, and that the mischievous glint in Remus’s eyes when he thought of a new prank idea gave him a thrill, and that soft little smile he saved just for his closest friends made Sirius melt just a bit, but he didn’t _realize_. What it all meant. 

Until the dream.

Sirius was a fifteen year old boy. He was no stranger to dirty dreams, and he had spent most of third year and now a bit of fourth figuring out his sexuality, and had no qualms telling anyone who wanted to know that he was bisexual. But he had never had a dream like _this._

* * *

_Remus’s mouth was trailing down his abdomen, getting dangerously closer to the spot Sirius ached for him to take purchase. He felt tongue and teeth and warm, soft lips sucking and nipping at his sensitive skin, making his hips buck involuntarily as his arousal grew stronger and stronger. Remus looked up at him and Sirius could have come on the spot, his eyes so full of want and desire, a smirk plastered on his face as he looked at his friend as if he were the only thing in the world. Sirius had to throw his head back onto his pillow, finding it harder to breathe the longer he looked at Moony. He let out a whimper as the other boy’s lips left his skin, but it was quickly swallowed by Remus, who had snaked his way back up to kiss Sirius._

_And Sirius never wanted it to stop. Their bare chests were pressed together, warm skin against warm skin, and the weight of Remus’s leanly muscled body on top of his own was both comforting and arousing. Moony’s mouth was heaven and sweet, sweet sin all at once, hot against his own, lips moving in sync as tongues explored, as though searching for an answer to the words left unsaid by the depths of the other’s mouth. Remus tasted of chocolate and a bit of smoke and something else that Sirius couldn’t put his finger on, but he suspected that it was just_ **_Remus_ ** _. And it was fucking delicious. He had never been kissed so thoroughly in his life, never been snogged within an inch of death or release, he couldn’t tell, and he felt as though he might die if Remus stopped kissing him, but also as though he might not live if he didn’t touch him soon._

_As if he could read Sirius’s mind (which wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for the pair), Remus began to move his ministrations downward again, practically worshipping Padfoot’s neck, leaving marks he knew would be on display for all to see. His lips felt like they were scorching every inch from Sirius’s neck to the waistline of his pants, teasing Sirius until he was positively squirming beneath him, a constant string of moans and pleas tearing from the dark-haired boy’s mouth._

_And then Moony’s long, deft fingers were playing with the hem of his pajama bottoms, and Sirius’s body flushed with anticipation. Slowly, painstakingly, Remus inched his best friend’s pants down so that all of Sirius was laid out before him. He teased Sirius for a few moments, brushing his fingers over his thighs, allowing his hot breath to ghost over Sirius’s length, making him groan, and there were his lips, hovering as he looked up at Sirius through hooded eyes, staring as though he was prepared to absolutely devour him. He licked a stripe up the underside of Sirius’s cock, and then his mouth was fully on him. Sirius was letting out a litany of moans and curses as Moony bobbed up and down, expertly using his mouth to lick and suck and swirl and swallow around him, taking him a bit deeper with each movement of his head. Remus’s name was the only thing Sirius knew anymore, flying out of his mouth over and over like a prayer said with the utmost reverence, as Sirius felt a familiar tension building in the pit of his stomach, his pleasure quickly careening toward the edge, and then he was falling in pure ecstasy, his mind so full of the feeling of Remus that nothing else was there, unable to register the noises coming from deep in his throat._

_Remus pulled off with a pop that shouldn’t have affected Sirius the way that it did, and he began to move back toward Sirius, who ached to have the other boy’s lips on his own once more and was desperately wanting to eagerly return the favor. And there was Moony, hovering over him, his lips getting tantalizingly close—_

* * *

Sirius woke with a start. There was a clattering coming from the area of James’ bed, and Sirius furiously tried to close his eyes to go back into the loveliest dream of his life, feeling his dick hard and leaking underneath him, where he had certainly been grounding against the mattress. And then his eyes shot open again.

He had been dreaming about Remus. Remus Lupin, one of his best mates, who was surely still sleeping like a rock in the bed a mere few feet away. Remus Lupin, who was a marauder and certainly off-limits to that area of Sirius’s mind, though Sirius’s dick was clearly not getting the message. Remus Lupin, who he bugged for notes when he skipped class and planned pranks with late into the night. Remus Lupin, who was the only person allowed to steal from his plate at the breakfast table. Remus Lupin, who he could now not stop imagining looking at him like a starving man looking at a steak, whose lips he could nearly feel on his skin, despite the fact that they had never been there. Remus Lupin, who he knew he needed to stop thinking about in the context of sucking his cock. And he definitely should stop thinking about getting his own mouth on Remus, and he should not be thinking about his best friend in any of those ways, nope, not at all.

Sirius sat up in his bed, grateful that he had tightly closed the hangings the night before so that none of his roommates could see the panic on his face as thoughts raced through his head at the speed of light.

_Since when had he wanted Moony to give him a blowjob?_


	2. Chapter 2

At age eleven, Remus Lupin was terrified when the boy in front of him whipped around after he had let the snarky retort fall from his lips. The boys who had been taunting him had fallen silent, and Remus felt he could stand tall, despite the fact that they were bigger than he had ever known eleven year-olds to be, because his sharp tongue could bite just as well as their muscles could flex. But when the boy with the long black hair spun around with a look on his face that Remus could not decipher, he began to feel that perhaps he should have at least waited until the end of the sorting ceremony before making enemies, because what if he had already alienated everyone? The boy had striking features and gray eyes that were alight with mischief, which made Remus’s stomach clench a bit, fearing that he may have taken on more opponents than he could manage. He had a sort of haughty air about him, in the way he stood and surveyed those around him, in the clear effort he put into his long mane, in the way that his shoulders were set, propping him up in a manner that made it obvious he knew exactly who he was and what he was doing. 

Remus couldn’t tell what was going to happen next. The boy was looking at him conspiratorially, and then a huge smile broke onto his face, and he offered a hand. “I’m SIrius,” he said. “And this is James.” He gestured to the taller boy standing next to him, with a mop of messy black hair and hazel eyes that stared at him through rounded spectacles. “We’re gonna need your name since we’re going to be best friends now.” Sirius offered a hand, and Remus stared at it for a split second before he found himself smiling back and taking it. 

“I’m Remus.” He said, feeling that these boys might just be exactly his kind of people.

He had gone to bed that night, a nagging sensation in his gut telling him that his life would never be the same again.

* * *

The first time he realized it was during second year, the night after the marauders had revealed that they’d figured out his secret. Remus had been terrified that they were going to tell everyone and hate him forever, but they had gone so far as to kick Frank Longbottom out of the dorm for the night, forcing him to stay on the couch in the common room, and staying up until four in the morning convincing Remus that they really didn’t care that he was a werewolf, and they wanted to do anything they possibly could to help him and support him. Remus had cried more than he was proud of. He was starting to think that perhaps perceptions of preteen boys were completely missing the mark. Then again, last week, Sirius and James had flooded the girls’ bathroom on the second floor with bubble juice, so maybe not _completely_.

James had just gone up to bed, sulking about the fact that Lily Evans had turned him down yet again at lunch, and Sirius had just beat him at a game of wizard’s chess, so his mood was even further dampened, shown in the way he had trudged up the stairs. Sirius had remained behind, sitting on the couch next to Remus and heaving a dramatic sigh as his friend continued to read his book. They were now alone in the common room, save for a pair of fourth year girls sitting in the far corner poring over a potions book. 

“Hey Remus?” He said softly.

Remus lowered his book and looked at Sirius, who was wearing an expression of worry that Remus had only previously seen on the faces of mothers and James Potter. He fully set the book down and sat up so that he was sitting face-to-face with Sirius.

“Yeah?” He prompted.

“I really meant it last night, you know. You’re not any different than you were a week ago, and I don’t just not care about… your furry little problem,” he said, glancing a bit nervously at the girls in the corner. “I actually think it’s admirable. That you go through so much and you’re still, like, the nicest person I’ve ever met and you are carrying this burden that you shouldn’t have to carry and you never let it show and you’re still trying to take care of other people in your life. And you still know how to laugh and have fun and you don’t let it consume you.” He paused. 

“I’ve had some shitty life experiences, mate, and I’m kind of an ass because of it. I play pranks and I insult people way too often cause I’m blowing off steam, and I’m not really a nice person because the people who raised me aren’t nice and you’re amazing even though you’ve been through more at the age of twelve than most people go through in their whole lives. And I’m just here worrying about, like, my fucking hair or who has a crush on me or how I can make life a little more miserable for Snivellus, because everything I’ve been through has made me kind of bitter and selfish, but you’re not like that. And you’re so much more than… your furry little problem. You’re smart and you’re funny and your pranks are bloody brilliant, and you’re clever enough to make all the teachers like you even though you’re probably worse than James and me, and I just… I know you worry about things. Everything, pretty much. And I know that you think this changes everything and you’ve got this stupid idea in your head that something you have no control over makes you some kind of monster, but it doesn’t. It makes you… _you_ . And we chose to be friends with _you._ We like _you_. And nothing’s gonna change that. And I just wanted to say all that because I don’t think you fully believed us last night, so we’re all just going to keep telling you until you do, because you’re stuck with us, mate. We’re not going to let go of the best food-nicker and insult-creator in the school just because you get a little freaky every month.” Sirius rambled on, and Remus just stared at him in awe.

He had so easily noticed how Remus was feeling and comforted him, known exactly what to say and that Remus needed to hear it. Looking at Sirius, he thought he might start crying again, this time not out of fear or sadness, but out of gratitude that he had found friends like this, that he was actually _safe_ with them.

And he was looking at his best friend, processing everything he had just said, and suddenly all Remus could think was that he really wanted to kiss Sirius. The thought scared him, and he pushed it away immediately, not needing another reason to scare off his friends or be different from everyone else. He focused on being grateful for the boy sitting in front of him, and quietly, hoarsely, said, “Thank you.”

Sirius smiled softly at him, and Remus was sure he had never seen that look on his face before. They sat in comfortable silence for a minute before Remus detected a slight move that indicated that Sirius was going to get up. “You know,” Remus began, “you’re wrong.” The black-haired boy looked at him with a bit of exasperation and disappointment before Remus continued. “You’re not an ass. Everything you’ve been through, it’s made you build up these walls because you think more people are going to hurt you. But you’re only pretending to be an ass, well, at least, you’re mostly pretending,” he smirked. “And you do stupid stuff and you seem like a prat but then you let somebody in past those walls and the real you is more kind and genuine than anyone I’ve ever met. You care about the people you decide to let in, and you make them feel loved. You’re not an ass. You just act like one until you realize that you don’t have to protect yourself anymore. And I get that. And I think that’s pretty admirable too.”

The look of genuine appreciation that Sirius gave him was one that made Remus remember just how infrequently Sirius heard real praise, just how unloved he often felt, just how much he longed to prove that he wasn’t like his family. He smiled at Remus once more before silently heading up the stairs. Remus followed a few minutes later, and fell asleep far more easily than he would have if he had still been worrying about what the boys in the beds next to him thought of his new revelations.

* * *

Remus did a pretty good job of forgetting that odd moment in the common room when he had seen Sirius in an entirely new way, so much so that the thought stayed locked away for over a year. 

But then. Then Sirius had asked a girl from Ravenclaw on a date for their last Hogsmeade trip before the holidays, and something inside Remus was incredibly angry about it, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

That is, until he, James and Peter walked into the Three Broomsticks to get some butterbeers and he saw Sirius and Lucy Ackerly at a table in the back corner, and he was snogging her. Remus’s stomach twisted itself into a knot and he began to feel a bit nauseous.

As he and the other marauders, minus Sirius, sat down and sipped their drinks, he was only vaguely listening to James and Peter’s lively conversation about the newest Zonko’s products they had just picked up. His mind rather forcefully turned back to Sirius, though it began to alter the image from Remus’s memory, as he imagined that it was him Sirius was snogging in the back of the Three Broomsticks, wondering what his best mate’s lips would feel like against his own.

He jolted himself out of his reverie and tried to force himself to focus on whatever James was saying. It was increasingly difficult, as he kept glancing back at Sirius and Lucy, feeling a pang in his chest and a fire in his gut as he failingly willed himself to stop thinking about Sirius like that, stop feeling jealous, because it was weird and unpleasant and he needed to _get a grip_.

That night, he lay awake longer than usual, as he normally could fall asleep anywhere at any time. But his mind kept drifting to a daydream of Sirius, kissing him in the Three Broomsticks. And then one of Sirius kissing him in the common room. And then in the dormitory, and on the grounds by the lake, and in an empty classroom, and in a broom cupboard as they executed one of their signature marauder pranks. All he could think about was kissing Sirius, and how desperately he wanted to do it. And all he could feel was a sinking feeling in his gut, knowing that he couldn’t.

It took him hours to fall asleep.

* * *

After that, it was a pretty constant feeling for Remus, wanting to kiss Sirius. It was pretty much never ending, the daily reminders that he had a massive crush on his best friend, the way his heart skipped when Sirius laughed and the way his legs felt a little wobbly when Sirius smiled that soft smile that only came out around Remus and the way he kept waking up from dreams about being with Sirius and kissing Sirius and doing _more_ than kissing Sirius that made him go redder than Lily’s hair, wanting to lock himself in the bathroom for days at a time.

Of course, Sirius didn’t help. Sirius, who walked around the dorm shirtless a good 80% of the time and constantly made lewd innuendos that made Remus’s mouth go completely dry. Sirius, who had made it a habit over the last few years to be quite physically affectionate with his friends, always finding ways to touch Remus and loving to cuddle with him, going so far as to often sleep in the same bed with him when one of them was having a bit of a rough day (these things never failed to make Remus’s heart do a gymnastics routine). Sirius, who let Remus (and Remus only) play with his hair as he laid in his lap in the common room. Sirius, who flirted with anything and everything that moved, including his friends, failing to notice the fact that it often made Remus feel like he could barely breathe. Sirius, who called him Moony with that goofy smile that was too big for his face. Sirius, who got that mischievous glint in his eye that made Remus’s whole body feel burning hot, especially when accompanied by that wicked grin that always meant trouble. Sirius, who made sure Remus's chocolate supply was never lacking and let him fall asleep on him when he was tired. Sirius, who took extra careful notes around the full moon so he could give them to Remus if he had trouble focusing. Sirius, who had always been gorgeous and funny and brazen and brilliant and overly flirtatious and secretly adorable and sinful and sweet and charismatic and alluring, and hadn’t stopped being all those things since Remus had realized how he felt, and it was driving him crazy.

And he knew. He knew it would just keep driving him crazy, until one day he would finally just spontaneously combust from the effort of trying not to admit that he was rapidly falling in love with his best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius dwells on his newly discovered fixation on Remus, and Remus continues pining over his best friend.

Having history of magic last period on a friday should be illegal, in Sirius Black’s opinion. This thought typically occurred to him upwards of 80 times per class with Binns, the light from the grounds shining through the window, the ancient clock near the back of the room ticking painfully slowly towards the four o’clock hour, Binns’s drawling voice more boring than watching Peter sort laundry the muggle way. But the thought didn’t occur to Sirius in this particular class, as his mind was entirely preoccupied with the werewolf sitting across the row from him. 

He was too busy staring at Remus to hear a single word Binns said, and too busy thinking about the more-than-friendly things he wanted to do with his friend to even silently complain about the dire circumstances of Friday afternoon History of Magic lessons. Remus, of course, was taking notes diligently, his hand moving swiftly across the parchment. This is where Sirius’s attention had settled, unflinching and focused. He found himself daydreaming about Moony’s strong hands roaming his body, touching his chest and his thighs and his cock, pinning him against the bed, sliding down to grab his ass. Watching as the amber-eyed boy dipped his quill into his ink bottle, Sirius was drawn to Remus’s long, deft fingers, wondering if they would be just as precise and purposeful if they were being used on Sirius. What would they feel like, tugging on his hair, playing with his nipples, brushing against his neck, tracing patterns on his skin, teasing his cock, stretching inside—

“Mate, you okay?” James’s voice broke through Sirius’s reverie, which Sirius was actually a bit grateful for, because his brain had been wandering into increasingly dangerous territory, exploring avenues with the Remus of his now-frequent fantasies that Sirius’s mind had never before drifted to. “You look a bit like Benjy Fenwick did right before he passed out when we gave him those jinxed Bertie Bott’s beans.” He was looking at Sirius, clearly a bit concerned.

“He wasn’t supposed to eat the whole box,” Sirius muttered before turning to look at James. He was sure his face was probably burning red, and he was suddenly grateful for the long and bulky robes they had to wear, despite having decried them many times in the past because they were “not conducive to his punk rock image," for now they were doing an award-worthy job of hiding just how aroused he was by his thoughts of Remus.

“I’m alright, mate. Just debating whether it’d be worth it to pitch myself out the window rather than endure another minute of Binns’s droning.” He reassured his friend, but James continued to glance at him with a look of worried skepticism for the remaining ten minutes of the period.

The class clamored to collect their things and rush toward the door when the bell rang, and Sirius, as usual, found himself scurrying toward the exit with the rest of the marauders, a bit smushed up against Remus’s side. He tried to ignore how sturdy his friend’s body seemed, tried not to notice how much he liked the hard press of Moony’s figure against his own. As soon as they had all squeezed out of the doorway, he took purposeful steps away from Remus so that he could think clearly enough to chastise himself.

_He’s your bloody best mate, what the actual fuck are you thinking?_

_It doesn’t matter that his lips look positively kissable, they’re Remus John Lupin’s lips, which means you’d be kissing your best friend, who is probably not even into blokes, and did I mention that he’s your best mate?_

_If the other marauders knew what you were thinking, they’d kick your ass for even thinking about something that could so easily disrupt the group, thus ending your collective reign over Hogwarts and the only healthy relationships you’ve ever had._

That one did it. Sirius shook his head clear of thoughts of Remus that strayed anywhere past “I’ll have to borrow his divination notes for next week’s exam” or “he’ll be the one to stand guard as I plant dungbombs in old Sluggy’s office.” At least, the ones he consciously flagged as anything more than friendly.

* * *

Remus thought Sirius was being a bit weird. For the last two weeks, Sirius had gone back and forth between hanging on his every word or avoiding him completely. He had caught the black-haired boy looking away more than a few times when Remus glanced over at him, almost as if he had been staring and didn’t want to get caught.

Remus’s first thought was that Sirius had heard him wanking in the shower as he thought of him the other week, but he tossed that theory out the window when he realized that Sirius hadn’t started acting weird until three days after that. He wondered if maybe he’d forgotten about a prank or messed up a plan or accidentally insulted his friend. But he couldn’t put his finger on anything that would be making Sirius act like anything but his normal, over-exuberant, more-than-a-little obnoxious, albeit lovable self. 

He decided it was probably some sort of dramatic Sirius Black mood swing and that it would be best to just carry on as usual. Not to mention the fact that Remus relied on moments with his best friend to keep him sane enough to not outright admit that he was harboring the world’s most intense crush on him.

So, late that night, he was delighted when Sirius relaxed into their normal routine of sprawling on the common room sofa together and entangling together more closely than was strictly necessary. As they dissected James’s latest failed attempt to woo Lily Evans, Sirius leaned back against Remus, half in his lap, as he often did, and Remus felt a pang in his chest as he realized for what must have been the eight millionth time that this boy was everything to him. He ran his fingers through Sirius’s hair, working out the tangles and smoothing the frizz, as Sirius and James excitedly discussed the upcoming quidditch match against Ravenclaw, and what method of pranking would be best suited to throw their players off their game. Remus listened contentedly, his hands still sorting through the silky strands of dark hair. He always felt a sort of pride when Sirius let him do this. He knew he was the only other person Sirius allowed to touch his hair, and it made him feel special, like there was this part of Sirius that was just for him, that no one else could have. He often wished that he could have all of Sirius, claim him as his own, for his eyes and hands and mouth only, only his to love. But he took what he could get, and never felt that he was settling in moments like these. Moments when he could so easily forget that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be, that he wasn’t supposed to want more, that they weren’t supposed to fit together perfectly, because they just _did_ . With Sirius right in front of him, absentmindedly playing with the hem of Remus’s sweater, smiling and leaning into the touch of his friend’s gentle hands, daring to look as gorgeous as he always did, Remus forgot everything else and just felt _right_. Like for the first time in his life, he knew exactly where he belonged. 

But then they’d always separate before going to bed, or James and Sirius would start talking about the people who ogled Sirius in the hallway, or Sirius would make some well-meaning comment about Remus being the best mate a bloke could ask for, and it would all come crashing back down on him. The reality that Sirius wasn’t his, and never would be. It was like ripping away pieces of his heart, little by little, night by night, but Remus knew it needed to happen. Because just as much as he needed moments with Sirius to keep him going, he needed the reminders of what they really were to keep him sane as well.

And when Sirius looked up at him from where he leaned against his legs, all sleepy eyes and wide grins at two in the morning, he knew he didn’t really mind the way his heart broke a few times a day. It was all worth it for these little glimpses of unadulterated joy that put it back together again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is almost relieved to get a break from his infatuation with Remus as they go home for Christmas, but then he remembers what "home" is like. Remus is concerned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned into something entirely different than I originally planned, but I love it. Warning that there is an anxiety attack in this chapter, and mentions of abuse. Thanks for reading!

Sirius had woken up the next morning, reeling from yet another dream about Remus. And again two days after that, and then twice more in the next week. This went on and on, providing Sirius with absolutely breathtaking visions and fantasies of Remus a minimum of once a week, though quite honestly, they had slipped into his everyday thoughts as he looked at his friend too many times a day to count, wondering how he had never before realized how unfairly attractive Moony was. It also left Sirius with no choice but to face the fact that he was very attracted to his best friend. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with that information (though he had come to a decision to swallow it down and never tell anyone), but he had at the very least come to terms with that simple fact for himself. He knew it was some hormone-fuelled phase of puberty, that some aggressively horny part of his brain had latched itself onto Remus, and he was just going to let his body respond how it needed to until he got over it.

Which is how he found himself in the awkward position of constantly needing to wank to thoughts of the person who slept in the bed next to him. The situation had led to a few close calls.

Once, just as Sirius had felt himself about to topple over the edge as he imagined that it was Remus’s hand pumping up and down on his length, James had barged in and yanked open Sirius’s bed hangings, giving him barely enough time to pull his hand from his pants and attempt to look innocent. But James knew what had been going on, as it was not the first time one of the boys had caught the other having a wank. The odd part to James was that Sirius never before seemed ashamed of the act, had never felt the need to pretend he wasn’t pleasuring himself when someone interrupted. They were all teenage boys, they all did it, it had never been a secret. But Sirius could feel his face hotter than it had ever felt, knowing that it must be redder than Evans’s hair, and his heart was racing. James couldn’t find out, no one could know. He could only think about what would have happened if James had walked in not two minutes earlier, when he had surely been breathily moaning Remus’s name with his eyes screwed shut.

Another time, he had been jerking off in the showers and Remus had walked in to take a shower as well, and Sirius was pretty sure his heart stopped for a full minute. And it had been too difficult to stop, to pretend that he wasn’t thinking about Remus’s body, naked and hot and wet, right in the shower stall next to him, so he had bit the inside of his cheek until it bled and finished himself off as silently as humanly possible, and it was ecstasy for a moment, and then there was a huge block of guilt threatening to crush him as it sat heavily on his chest.

For the first time in his life, Sirius was actually looking forward to going home for a bit. He’d be going to Grimmauld place for the first week of the holidays, and then his parents had agreed to let him stay at the Potters’ during the second week, until it was time to go back to Hogwarts. And Sirius would have two shame-free weeks where he didn’t feel like a git for staring at Remus, two weeks where he didn’t have to worry about Remus looking into his eyes and knowing exactly what was going through his head, two weeks where if he dreamed of Remus or touched himself thinking of him, he wouldn’t have to try to hide it from anyone five feet away.

Of course, he still had to go home and deal with the Blacks. He had been thinking of a vacation from the torture he felt every second that he couldn’t touch Remus. His all-consuming attraction to his friend had made him forget the fact that absolutely nothing about going home was like a break or a vacation. He forgot for a few days that the torture he endured at home was an entirely different kind, one that had fucked him up ten ways from Sunday. He forgot that Hogwarts was _safe_ , that it _was_ home. He forgot that he had begged his parents to let him stay at the Potters’ the entire time, but not for too long, because his father saw it as weak and proceeded to hex him repeatedly until he agreed that this family was the only place a young man like himself, with pure blood and magical prowess, could ever belong. He forgot that he spent all his time trying to be the furthest thing from the examples of his family members, that he hated them and their elitism and yeah, maybe Remus was hot and that was hard for Sirius to handle, but he didn’t beat him or scream curses at him or rant about how much of a fucked up disappointment he was. He forgot all this for exactly two and a half days, pent up with frustration about the Remus situation, until he was staring at his empty suitcase the day before the Hogwarts Express was set to leave. And it all came crashing back.

He was supposed to pack his clothes and belongings so that he could go back to a family who hated him. He was supposed to board a train to go see people who wished him dead, and since killing their son would reflect badly on them, they settled for pushing him to do it himself, or, on more than one occasion, physically torturing him just enough to keep him alive but wishing he wasn’t. He was going to spend Christmas— _Christmas_ —surrounded not by the people he loved, but by people who actively hated and besmirched the people he loved.

He was standing there in front of the empty suitcase, his top drawer open and ready to be emptied, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want to go back.

He slowly slunk to the floor, turning so that he was supported by leaning his back against the bottom of his dresser. He found himself curling in on himself, shaking, trying to remember how to take breaths. And the thoughts racing inside his mind were unending.

_I can’t go back, I can’t go back, I can’t go back. They’re going to hurt me. They’re going to take one look at me and know I’m a bloody poof and that’ll be the end of it, the last straw. Mother’s going to scream insults at me as my father blasts me to smithereens and Reg will just be there watching. They’re going to talk about blood purity at the dinner table and I’ll just throw up then and there, or else I’ll explode and curse them into oblivion. And then I’ll go to Azkaban and at least I’d never have to see them again._

_I can’t go back. I can’t sit in that room and hear the screaming downstairs. I can’t look at that fucked up family tree with that fucked up motto. I can’t sit there as my parents try to convince me yet again to marry one of my cousins or another of their disgusting, prejudiced friend’s daughters._

_They’re going to hurt me._

_I can’t be myself there. I can’t be anything there._

_They’re going to hurt me._

_They always try to block my owls, I won’t even be able to talk to my friends. I won’t have anything._

_They’re going to hurt me._

_I can’t go back._

He could feel tears rapidly streaming down his face, sobs racking his body, his breaths coming out as uneven fits of hyperventilation, and he felt like he might throw up. He was rocking back and forth slightly, feeling like the world was spinning, and all he wanted was for it to _stop_ , long enough for him to hold onto something long enough for it to pull him away from all of it, all the pain, all the fear, all the memories. His hands were tugging at his hair, tangling it further, and he could feel a scream starting to slowly build in his chest.

And then the dormitory door flung open. Moony stepped through, and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Sirius. He rushed to his side and began running a hand up and down Sirius’s back. Sirius could vaguely hear that he was murmuring questions and words of comfort, but he wasn’t processing any of it.

For several minutes, he focused on the feeling of Remus’s hand comfortingly stroking his back and tracing little patterns over his shirt. He could hear Remus’s breathing and willed himself to match it as best he could. He felt his breaths even out, his heart rate begin to steady, and he looked up, tears still pouring down his face, right into Moony’s amber eyes, which had rarely ever been filled with as much worry. Sirius felt the pain and the panic subside to a dull throbbing as his friend looked at him, remembering that this was what he had to hold onto, this is what pulled him out of the life that wasn’t a life. His friends were his lifeline.

“What happened?” Remus’s voice was soft and genuine as it washed over his ears. 

“I tried to start packing,” Sirius began to explain, his words coming out broken and hoarse. “And I just can’t do it, I can’t go back there.”

Moony’s eyes had not left his face, even for a moment. He was looking at him as if it was painful for him to watch. “Could… could you just go to James’s the whole time? Or maybe Pete or I could have you—” His hesitant questions were cut off by Sirius shaking his head adamantly.

“I can’t. I’ve already agreed. It’ll be so much worse if I don’t go home this time.” He was starting to get worked up again, and then Remus pulled him close, enveloping Sirius in a hug. “It just keeps getting worse,” he choked out, and he felt Moony’s arms tighten around him.

They remained in complete silence for a few moments before any noise broke through.

“They’re going to hurt me.” The words were barely a whisper. Sirius felt some invisible burden lift off of him as he said it. He had told the marauders just about everything about his house and his parents. He had told them the things they’d done to him. He had told them how awful it was. He had said and made it clear that they hurt him. But he had never said it so surely, so plainly, so expectantly, what he knew would happen each time he walked through the door. He had never said it all so wholly, so simple and all-encompassing. And he had never said it with the fear and pain that he could hear, even in a tone so low that most wouldn’t have heard the words at all. Something inside him broke, and he was sobbing into Remus’s arms.

Remus just continued to hold him and buried his face in Sirius’s neck. Sirius felt tears coming from the other boy landing on his skin, and he forced himself impossibly closer to his friend and let the moment fill the space, fill the time. 

It was a moment he would come to think about many times afterward and wonder how he hadn’t known.

* * *

Remus didn’t fall asleep on the Hogwarts Express, an unusual occurrence for him. His friends playfully teased him about his routine nap, but he couldn’t keep his eyes from glancing at Sirius every few seconds, his mind a haze of worry. 

In fact, Remus couldn’t sleep for most of the first week of the holidays, knowing where Sirius was and how scared he was and how much it was hurting him. 

He just kept hearing that broken whisper. _They’re going to hurt me._

Every time it played in his head, his heart broke a little more for the boy he cared for so much. It made his stomach lurch in a painful way, and it caused a fire to erupt deep within him, a rage that he had never felt so fully before. He had never hated anyone the way he hated Sirius’s family, even though he’d only met his parents once for about a minute when they came off the train after their first year at Hogwarts. And he knew he never would hate anyone that strongly again.

How could anyone look at Sirius and not see it? How could you look at him and not see beauty and intelligence and wit and talent and creativity and kindness and love? How could anyone look at Sirius and be disgusted with what lay before them? How could anyone look at Sirius, know Sirius, and be anything but enchanted by him? How could anyone look at long black hair and gray eyes and a strong jaw and a wicked grin and a perfectly sculpted body and think it was horrible? More than that, how could anyone interact with Sirius and see detailed mischief, unwavering loyalty, boisterous laughter, childlike desire for fun, complete vulnerability paired with a strong and sure exterior, brilliant ideas, and unconditional love and even attempt to associate him with words of disgust and disappointment?

As he wrote the letter to accompany Sirius’s Christmas present, he nearly said so much, but remembered that such depth of feeling would surely give away that Remus did not simply see Sirius as a friend. So, he went with a slightly toned down version.

_Dear Sirius,_

_Happy Christmas. I hope things at your house are better than expected, but I can’t help but feel that those hopes are vain. At the very least, I hope you’ve been able to mostly leave the house or stay in your room and remove yourself from your family as much as possible. Normally this isn’t the holiday-family behavior I would encourage, but seeing as your family is a group of dark, hateful, violent gits, I think it is fitting advice._

_Joking aside, I have been thinking about you a lot while at home, and I know me telling you that I’m worried doesn’t actually help your situation, but I am worried. It’s awful, what they do to you, and it’s completely unfair._

_I hope you know they’re wrong. I know you know they’re wrong about blood status and all their other kinds of prejudice, I’m not worried about that. I hope you know they’re wrong about_ **_you_ ** _. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, even if you can be a complete git. You’re smarter than just about everyone in our year, and you’re brilliantly creative. And you care about people. They don’t understand what that means, so they can’t appreciate it. But I do. James does. Peter does. Those younger students you try to pretend you’re not helping do. We know. We see it. We see you. Don’t let those bird-brained fuckers ever make you think differently._

_Anyway, I hope your last two days at the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black aren’t too bad, and I hope you enjoy some well-needed recovery time at James’s house. And I really hope you like your present. Happy Christmas, Sirius._

_Good luck,_

_Remus_

_P.S. Just before you leave your house, do something that your parents will really hate, ruin something, make it permanent, and leave it for them to find after you’ve gone. For me. Nothing so awful that they’ll really punish you, just something that’ll really piss them off. You’re Sirius Black, after all._

* * *

Christmas Day was the only day Sirius spent at the House of Black where he wasn’t miserable. Remus’s letter and gift (a muggle leather jacket and a carefully curated selection of Zonko’s products) were waiting for him when he woke up. Reading the letter gave him the first smile he’d known in days. James’s gift arrived just before lunch, and Peter’s an hour later. The reminders that there were people out there who did love him and accept him were enough to make him capable of sitting through a horrid Christmas dinner, at which his cousin Bellatrix was yammering on and on about weeding out the muggleborns inside the ministry. He wasn’t really listening anyway, his brain far more focused on his friends, the pranks they could pull with the new stuff Remus and Peter had gotten him, and all the ideas swimming through his head from James’s gift, which had included not only a new pair of beater’s gloves and some sweets, but a piece of detailed parchment. They had been tinkering with the idea for months, but James had finally managed to get the full map of Hogwarts laid out for them. Now they just had to figure out how to enchant it to do what they wanted.

Two days after Christmas, Sirius left the house to go out into muggle London. He bought three gigantic muggle posters, covered in nearly naked girls draped over various bikes and cars. Twenty minutes before he was supposed to leave for the Potters’, he placed a permanent sticking charm on them and plastered them on his bedroom walls, knowing it would make his mother furious. He smiled as he closed the bedroom door behind him and carried his bags to the fireplace to floo to James’s.

He told James about it later that night, who found it uproariously funny before stopping his laughter as he realized what Sirius had done. “Mate, we’re not allowed to use magic outside of school! You’re going to get expelled!” His eyes were full of worry.

Sirius actually laughed as he shook his head. “Nah. The only good thing about being a Black was that my father threatened higher-ups in the ministry to make them lift the trace from his kids when we turned eleven. Otherwise we couldn’t serve him magically around the house or practice dark curses or dueling each other. I use magic to fuck with my parents all the time, and they have to live with the fact that they enabled it. It’s glorious.” He smiled.

James looked a bit concerned about the backstory, but let it go minutes later when Sirius pulled the map out of his bag and grinned mischievously at him. “Let’s get to work.”


	5. Chapter 5

Remus was sitting cross-legged on the floor of their dormitory holding the old piece of parchment as the other three boys, perched around him, watched intently. They had been working on the map for well over a month now, by the light of their wands long after Frank had fallen asleep, or in hushed corners of the castle, and Remus had seen James and Sirius discreetly poring over it in classes with particularly inattentive teachers. The map consumed every moment of their spare time, but none of them minded. They all felt they were constantly buzzing with excitement over the idea of their magical map, a map that would take their various forms of mischief to the next level.

The map had been James’s idea in the first place, but each marauder had given their own piece to the invention. While James had proposed an interactive map of Hogwarts, Peter had made the suggestion to make it only visible to them. Sirius had deemed it necessary to locate and record each of the secret passageways in the castle. And Remus had been responsible for the idea to insult people who weren’t supposed to open the map.

Now the problem was figuring out the enchantments that would make the blasted thing work. The process had been… difficult to say the least. Having spent upwards of three hours a day on the map for weeks now, the boys were becoming frustrated at the lack of progress. They had expected such a complicated magical object would take time to create, but it felt as though they were making no progress whatsoever, only having been able to figure out how to change the color of the ink on the map or add a fixed image when they discovered something new in the castle. Thus far, their main exploits for the map had consisted of trips to the library spent poring over spellbooks, hoping to find some information that would help, and sneaking about the castle under James’s invisibility cloak in the middle of the night, two people at a time, to explore and learn parts of the castle that remained a mystery to them. 

But Remus thought he might have found something in the library that morning, something that could effectively add the room of requirement on the map. So, there the four of them sat in the dim light as Remus muttered spells over and over, the tip of his wand brushing the parchment. They sat for nearly an hour. Peter had slumped back against a pillow on the floor. James was looking off into the distance, his mind clearly elsewhere. Sirius was still watching, though he was hunched over with his hand supporting his head, looking about as interested as someone watching paint dry. Remus heaved a great sigh and realized it was time to give up.

“I’m going to go blind if I keep staring at this thing. It’s nearly two in the morning and we have a test in charms first thing tomorrow. I’m going to bed,” he announced, to grunts of agreement from James and Sirius, and a snore that indicated Pete had already fallen asleep on the floor.

Remus had fallen asleep almost instantly, exhausted from searching for answers that simply did not exist. Remus didn’t often dream, but if he did, his nightly visions always fell into one of three categories: nightmares, prank ideas, and  _ Sirius _ .

That night, his dream fell into the third category. It started off rather like normal life, which would come to make Remus’s stomach twist in an odd way when he reflected on it in the morning.

_ Sirius and Remus were sitting on the couch of the Gryffindor common room, legs tangled together and Remus’s hands absentmindedly braiding sections of Sirius’s long hair. They were watching James and Peter playing a game of wizard’s chess and laughing as James pouted about losing. They sat and chatted for a long time about classes and plans for summer holidays and Evans’s dislike for James and ways to mess with the Slytherins and quidditch. _

_ Peter and James were still talking about the odds of Gryffindor winning this year’s quidditch cup when Sirius craned his neck so that he could look at Moony with a blinding smile that made Remus’s insides turn to goo. “What’s that look for?” Remus’s voice came out confident, almost teasing. Sure. _

_ “I just thoroughly enjoy looking at you, my love.” The other boy’s words were entirely genuine, and his grin grew impossibly wider. He leaned in and kissed Remus. _

_ His lips did not feel foreign on Remus’s lips. They felt familiar and warm and inviting. They were expertly moving against Remus’s, sending waves of warmth throughout his body as he pressed even closer and smiled against Sirius’s mouth. And then Sirius’s tongue was in his mouth, gently, slowly exploring as if it held something precious that Sirius needed to live. Remus sighed easily into it and allowed his tongue to dance against Sirius’s, his hands resting firmly on the other boy’s hips, still facing away from him as he laid in his lap. He wanted to stay like this forever, kiss Sirius until his lips were swollen and the breath had all gone from his lungs. He wanted to take everything Sirius had to offer and give it right back in his own way. He wanted to make Sirius feel how he felt with nothing but his lips and teeth and tongue, he wanted his ridiculous friend to understand how much he loved him. He wanted to feel like this his whole life, knowing how it felt when Sirius’s lips were against his own, making him feel wanted and loved and worth something. _

_ “Oi! Get a room!” James yelled at them through a laugh. _

_ They broke apart. Remus looked at James but was keenly aware of the fact that Sirius’s eyes had not left his face. _

_ “You’re just jealous that nobody wants to snog you, Potter.” Remus retorted, and even before he flicked his eyes down to look at Sirius, he knew the boy leaning on him was grinning widely. He turned his face back to Sirius and leaned in to capture his lips again. He felt himself smiling too much to be able to kiss properly, but he didn’t much care as Sirius’s lips were a mere centimeter from his— _

His eyes opened against his will. There was far too much light streaming onto his face, and he noticed that Peter was standing over him, having wrenched the hangings around his bed wide open. He made a grumbling noise of discontent.

“Time for that charms test!” Peter said in mock excitement, and Remus reluctantly slid out of bed and toward the showers.

He stood in the shower, only half awake, replaying his dream from the night before in his head. He hated the way his stomach flipped each time he thought of the way Sirius had smiled at him. He groaned and leaned his forehead against the cold shower wall.

“I’m so fucked.” He sighed.

* * *

Sirius was beginning to lose his mind. This phase of obsession with Remus was becoming quite inconvenient, plaguing him with constant thoughts of his best friend and providing very little outlet for them. Not being able to act on these feelings was making him jittery every second of the day and his unwittingly gorgeous friend was driving him absolutely crazy. So, what else was a teenage boy to do?

Sirius had always been known for being a horrible flirt, and he had developed somewhat of an image around Hogwarts amongst many of the students. He was widely desired, and to this point had only taken advantage of this reputation on a handful of occasions when he felt so inclined. But now… now Remus was strutting around chewing on the ends of quills and smirking endlessly and still touching Sirius as if his hands weren’t like fire, and Sirius couldn’t take the frustration anymore. He needed something to let it all out.

It was as if he had girls on retainer, waiting for his signal to meet up in a broom cupboard or an abandoned classroom. He had quite a few admirers, and was more than willing to let those who measured up to his expectations admire him up close and personal. Which is how he found himself in an empty room with Rosie O’Keefe (his third paramour of the last two weeks) on February 12th, snogging as if their lives depended on it.

Her lips tasted like something vaguely like strawberry and they were soft and sweet against his own. He had hoisted her up onto a desk so that her legs were then wrapped around his waist, bringing her closer to his height. Her tongue eagerly explored his mouth with finesse, and he pushed his forward with more pressure, battling her for a bit of dominance. She didn’t seem to mind. He pressed himself closer to her, the growing bulge in his trousers pressing against the inside of her thigh. She pulled away for a mere moment and then, with fervor, attached her lips to his neck and trailed hot, wet, kisses down to his collarbone, where she stopped to nip and suck at a particularly sensitive spot. Sirius let out an involuntary moan. For a split second, the image of Remus came into his mind, imagining that it was Moony who was lavishing his skin with such filthy attention, and the thought immediately made him rock hard, his hips bucking into Rosie a bit for some friction. He pushed the thought from his head and turned his focus to Rosie. He angled his neck so that her lips were not on his neck, but rather that his were nibbling just behind her ear, and he reveled in the sound of the soft, moaning sigh that escaped her lips. He kissed and licked down to the collar of her shirt before stopping to look up at her.

Her lips were red and slightly swollen. Her eyes were glazed over a bit. Her hair was mussed up from where Sirius’s hands had been tangled in it. The look on her face seemed to be daring him to go further. Tentatively, his eyes remaining on her with a look that asked for permission, he undid another button of her shirt as she nodded emphatically. His hands were no longer in her hair, but trailing down her torso, snaking around to hover just at the edge of her breasts, which were heaving slightly as she breathed heavily. She let out a whimper.

“Please, Sirius,” her voice was hoarser than usual. “Touch me.”

And then his mouth was on hers again, fervently devouring the noises that came from between her lips, searching for satisfaction in the feeling of kissing her. His hands massaged her breasts gently, and judging by the noises that he was swallowing, he assumed it was working for her.

It went on for only a few moments before Rosie’s hand traveled down the front of Sirius’s body and rubbed his cock through his trousers. The groan that escaped his mouth was something he’d never heard come out of his mouth before. The only hand that had ever touched him this way before was his own. He kept snogging her, but it wasn’t enough, nothing was enough.

He let it happen. He let himself picture not Rosie’s dainty and eager hands stroking him through his pants, but Remus’s, deft and long-fingered, calloused but soft. He imagined what Remus would taste like as his lips moved against Rosie’s. Something like chocolate and smoke and all the delicious things he’d ever wanted, because nothing made his mouth water like Remus did. And he snogged Rosie harder, rutting his hips into her hand, his hands staying on her breasts, squeezing them and playing with her nipples as well as he could through her clothes. He took pride in her moans and sighs and wondered, if given the chance, what kind of sounds he could pull from Moony’s mouth. And then he was falling over the edge and coming in his pants.

Rosie pulled away breathlessly after a short moment. She looked wrecked to Sirius, and he was sure he looked the same way. She started giggling, and for a moment he felt self-conscious until he noticed the fond look on her face. “Wow.” She whispered

“Sorry,” SIrius muttered, but she shook her head.

“It’s totally fine. Quite flattering actually.” She smiled at him, and he felt a pang of guilt in his chest for having let his mind wander anywhere but her during their time together. Silence hung in the air around them for a minute. He didn’t know what to say. Luckily, she spoke what was on her mind. “There’s a hogsmeade trip the day after tomorrow… for Valentine’s Day. Would you want to meet up with me for a bit there?” She asked, sounding far more confident than she looked.

Sirius cracked a smile. “It would be my honor.” He answered, and when she beamed at him like that, he found that he truly meant it. He knew he couldn’t be sure of what was going on with Remus, other than that it was off-limits. But this was so much easier, and it felt good.

That is, until he laid in his bed at night, staring up at the ceiling, and waves of guilt and emptiness washed over him. He wasn’t supposed to want Remus. But there he was, laying not six feet away from him, and the other boy was nearly always the last thought in his mind before he fell asleep. And something inside him ached with the pain of not being able to be brave enough to admit to Remus, or even to himself yet, what he really wanted.

Yet, he went on a date with Rosie on Valentine’s Day. And a few more before he moved on to Jill McNamara for a few weeks, and then Penny Edwards, and Rachael Phillips, and Evelina Bones, and the list went on and on. He even found a recurring hook-up with their friend, Marlene McKinnon, who was more than happy with an arrangement where the two of them remained good friends who sometimes simply needed to scratch the itch of sexual frustration. But he hadn’t gone all the way and had sex with any of them yet, hadn’t felt himself ready for that. The truth was, he wasn’t ready to admit that the only person he really wanted to do that with was the one person he desperately wanted but could never have.

* * *

Remus was being driven mad. He watched for months as Sirius flitted from fling to fling, longing to be the one he touched, longing to feel his lips on his own, longing to learn all the ways to take Sirius apart completely, longing to be the one to put him back together again.

He had never been this jealous before. He barely knew how to act around Sirius anymore. He was always huffy and angry when Sirius talked about the girl he was seeing, and was starting to grate on James and Peter with the way he grumbled about when Sirius was off with whoever he was currently messing around with. Well, Peter seemed a bit oblivious, but James had definitely noticed that something was up.

They were sitting in the common room late on a Saturday night (though really it was Sunday morning by now), just the two of them, when James finally voiced his concerns.

“Are you and Sirius having a row? Did something happen?” He asked Remus outright.

“What?” Remus tried to play it cool, as if nothing was wrong. “No, we’re totally fine.”

James pressed further. “Mate, you both jump every time the other walks into the room, and I feel like you’ve been glaring at him half the time we hang out lately. Are you sure everything’s okay? You can tell me whatever it is, I won’t tell anyone, you know that. I’m good at keeping secrets.”

For a moment, Remus contemplated telling James everything. He felt as though if he didn’t tell someone soon, he might just explode one day and that would be the end of it all. He was dying to talk about Sirius, to speak to someone who understood him, and he even considered the fact that James might be uniquely qualified to talk about the subject of unrequited love thanks to Lily Evans. He was positively bursting with this secret, and it was eating him alive, how much he liked Sirius, how much he wanted Sirius, in every way possible, how much he desired Sirius, how often he thought about Sirius. It was on the tip of his tongue, the story from the very beginning, and then, without warning, it vanished. The small surge of Gryffindor courage which had been building inside him had left without a trace, fearing that it might make things awkward or that James might get uncomfortable, or worse, that James might try to make him tell Sirius how he felt. And that was too great a risk. So he swallowed down his feelings and tried to throw James off his scent.

“Well, actually, there is something, but Sirius doesn’t know, so you absolutely cannot tell him.” Remus began, and James nodded.

“I solemnly swear.” James smirked.

“A little while ago, I… I had a crush on Marlene, and it’s just been stinging a bit that Sirius beat me to it. I guess I’m still a little jealous. But I’m working on it. It’s not a big deal, things are going to go back to normal because I’m basically over it by now, and then we’ll forget any of it ever even happened. Okay?” Remus silently prayed to gods he didn’t believe in that James would buy it.

“Remus Lupin, letting a girl come between his friendships, I never thought I’d see the day.” Remus gulped at James’s words. “But I guess now we know you’re really one of us. You’re not allowed to be a real teenage boy until you get catty like a girl over a girl. And I won’t tell, as long as you don’t let it affect the marauder dynamic. You know the code.”

Remus smiled at him, but there was no joy in him at the moment. That was the first real lie he’d told to one of his friends since they had found out he was a werewolf, and it didn’t feel good. He hated it. It filled him with more guilt than any thought he’d ever had about Sirius, which was something to say. And he knew now that it had been told, more would likely follow, and he wondered it they would all make him feel this empty, this cold, this ashamed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the steps of becoming an animagus is keeping a mandrake leaf in your mouth for an entire month between full moons, so here's how the marauders dealt with that, and what the full moons were like before Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail were able to join Moony under the whomping willow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I am so beyond sorry that it has been so freakishly long since I have updated. I've been in such a weird block with this chapter, and my mental health has been really weird in this time of coronavirus. But I think I'm back on track and should be back to updating much more regularly (I promise it won't take me another month to post the next chapter). Thank you so much for reading, and I love hearing from you all so please leave kudos and comments if you feel so inclined! Enjoy!

Sirius was getting really fucking sick of the stupid leaves. First of all, they tasted disgusting (though James for whatever reason contended that he rather liked the taste). Secondly, they were _wildly_ inconvenient. Sirius, Peter, and James had each tried and failed to keep their mandrake leaves in their mouths at least once. Peter had tried three times. The first time, his leaf fell out when he tried to shovel food into his mouth at the breakfast table the morning after the full moon, barely twelve hours after he had put it in. The next time he had lasted three days, and had once again been thwarted by food as he had accidentally swallowed it with his dinner. The third time he had laughed so hard at a comment James had made about Professor Flitwick’s nose hair that it had come flying out of his mouth. James and Sirius had both tried and failed twice thus far. James had swallowed his in his sleep the first time and sacrificed the second one when Snivellus had tried to jinx Remus when his back had been turned, and James let it fall out as he disarmed Snape. Sirius had failed both times simply because he found himself incapable of shutting up, and speaking pushed the leaf around in his mouth so much that it inevitably fell out.

Remus, of course, found the whole thing entirely amusing, and was doing everything in his power to make things more difficult for them, or at least it seemed that way to Sirius. He had jokingly bought the three hopeful animagi chalkboards to carry around from class to class, knowing how unbearable it was for James and Sirius to refrain from talking incessantly. However, the three boys had taken to them happily, much to the dismay of some of their teachers.

They were two weeks into the month of silence, and Sirius went back and forth on whether this was fun or not. On one hand, it was awful not being able to tell his jokes with full gravitas and having to be extremely careful every time he wanted to eat or drink something. On the other, he found it an amusing change of pace to keep the Hogwarts students entertained in new ways.

He, James, and Peter had developed a routine. They were asked repeatedly by students and teachers all over the school why they weren’t speaking. Each time, they gave increasingly ridiculous reasons for their vow of silence. Remus often chimed in to embarrass them. 

“We’re protesting for goblin’s rights,” Peter wrote to explain to Professor Binns, who launched into a full speech about the Goblin Rebellion of 1752. 

“We don’t think the school appreciates our contributions to your daily entertainment and so we are on strike.” James spelled out for Marlene McKinnon at the lunch table.

“Lily hexed James into silence for a month and as his brothers, we are joining him in solidarity.” Sirius explained to Emmeline Vance in Charms one day.

“Then how come Remus isn’t doing it?” Emmeline retorted.

“Because I’m not an idiot.” Remus deadpanned from the next table over.

“James tried to invent a new spell that would mute our conversations but its failure had some unintended consequences.” Remus explained to a group of third year Ravenclaw girls who took quite an interest in his friends.

“We had a contest to see who could drink hot soup the fastest and we burned our throats. Madam Pomfrey’s remedy takes a whole month to heal properly.” Peter scribbled to explain to Professor Slughorn.

“We’re playing a very serious round of the quiet game. Winner gets a year’s supply of firewhisky.” Sirius told the rest of the Gryffindor quidditch team.

“Minnie set us such a long essay for next week that we’ve actually been rendered speechless.” James spelled out for Lily Evans when she exasperatedly asked him for the sixth time why he wasn’t speaking. It was his sixth different answer.

* * *

Remus was enjoying himself immensely (though he did really miss having actual conversations with his best mates, but he wasn’t about to admit that when he could mess with them). At least twice a day he’d drop something into conversation that would usually make one of his friends splutter with indignation and launch into a tireless rant. He kept insulting and misremembering Sirius’s favorite bands, undercutting Peter’s beloved quidditch players, and making comments to James about Lily. 

“Sirius, I was listening to that muggle band you like, oh what are they called… The Queen! Yeah. I don’t think I like them much, that new song of theirs just has way too much going on.”

“You know, Peter, I read an article about the Wimbourne Wasps that said the only reason they win any games is because they confund the opposing teams. It was actually a well-explained theory.”

“James, I was doing homework with Lily last night, and she smelled awful. Can’t say it was her most attractive moment.”

He was wildly entertained by all three of them going purple in the face with the effort not to dive into a long speech, looking as though they might punch something. He’d also taken up the post of voicing sexual innuendos and well-timed jokes when the opportunity arose naturally even more often, as the others weren’t equipped to share the job.

But that isn’t to say they didn’t try to keep up with their usual antics. Note-passing in many classes had become a daily pastime. 

James had been forced to pass him notes about their plans for map exploration on spare bits of parchment that still had _James+Lily_ scribbled on them.

_Pete and I snuck down to the kitchens last night and the house elves were telling us about another passageway on the fourth floor. I think we should send a search party on Saturday evening. Sirius is in detention, and Pete’s not the stealthiest. What do you say?_

**_What’s Sirius got detention for this time?_ **

_Drew something crude on his chalkboard in Minnie’s class. She wasn’t too pleased about it._

**_I’ve got a study group until 9 on Saturday. We can sneak out after I get back._ **

_Your ability to trick all the teachers into thinking that you’re so innocent truly astounds me, Moony. I am in awe of you._

_Hey is Evans studying with you?_

**_Yes_ **

_Can I come?_

**_No, you twat_ **

Peter had taken to scribbling a mix of blank observations and bad jokes and puns about their subjects when he passed notes.

_I’m so bored._

**_You’re always bored in History of Magic. It’s History of Magic._ **

_I wish this class was in the history of my magic education._

**_Please don’t do this to me again. I can’t survive much more._ **

_I’d like to chuck Professor Binns in the bin._

**_Peter NO_ **

_It’s more like a lect-shhhhhhhhhure._

**_This is it. This is how I die. It’s not the lycanthropy. It’s not one of James’s stupid pranks. It’s not even Sirius irritating me so much that I murder him and they execute me for it. It’s you and your horrible puns._ **

_Sigh. No one appreciates my humor around here. Did you finish that procedural essay for McGonagall yet?_

**_Yeah, I finally managed it last night._ **

_So, you might say you trans-FIGURED it out!_

Moony just slumped his head onto his desk.

  
  


Remus didn’t think Sirius quite understood the importance a conversation needed to carry if he was going to risk being caught passing notes. But then again, it was Sirius. Until he heard how utterly stupid they were and rolled his eyes, Remus always found Sirius’s words important.

_Moony, I have just received some very intriguing information and I need to share it with someone._

**_Well what is it?_ **

_My dear Moony, this information is too sensitive to put in writing and risk teacher confiscation!_

**_Well I guess you’ll have to use your words and whisper it to me then._ **

_You know I can’t._

**_Oh, right, of course. How could I forget your “unending torment” of not being able to speak?_ **

_You’re so mean to me, Moony, I’m forgetting why I’m doing this for you._

**_Probably because I let you copy my potions homework._ **

_Nah. It’s because you look so dashing in your gryffindor pajamas._

**_Piss off._ **

_No, I’m Sirius (hehe). Moony, if you gave me a wink while wearing those fuzzy socks of yours I might simply drop dead. Heart attack. Too much desire._

**_Ooh. Thanks for the tip, I’ll have to try that one of these days when you’re bugging me while I’m trying to read._ **

_You wound me. I miss James. Why’d he have to get sick?_

**_What’s the top secret information, you tosser?_ **

_Oh that_

_Snivellus is a git._

_**I hate you.** _

_You know, it really gets me going when you confess your undying love for me like that._

_**I aim to please.** _

  
  


He tried not to, but he thought about the exchange for the rest of the day. Sirius flirted with just about everything that moved, all the time, which often included Remus. He made comments to James and Peter, too. But Remus was pretty sure James and Peter didn’t flush completely red when they thought of the way Sirius told them they looked dashing, hours after the fact. They didn’t spend days and days overanalyzing the flirting or feel their hearts pounding when they flirted back.

* * *

For Sirius’s part, he never put nearly as much truth in the flirty comments he made as he did with Remus. He was always joking with everyone else. But with Remus, he would take one look at the other boy, and all these compliments deeply rooted in the reasons Sirius adored Remus would just come out. He always masked them with that mocking tone to make it seem like Remus was just another friend. But he always secretly hoped that his sincerity would reach Moony, and that maybe the way he flirted back meant something. Sirius never let his hopes get that high, though. That was dangerous territory.

* * *

The three musketeers of silence finally removed their mandrake leaves on the evening of the next full moon, safely storing them away in wait for the next big storm that would come their way.

The waiting during those nights was the worst part. Sitting there, knowing they couldn’t do anything more for Remus at this point as he suffered in the shack alone, was a special kind of torture for the marauders. Sirius suspected it probably felt something like worrying about your children or loved ones if you were the kind of parents or family who actually cared about your kids and relatives.

James and Peter tried to distract themselves with a game of wizard’s chess. Sirius, however, sat in the nook of the windowsill and looked out at the grounds. The full moon was bright and shining, reflecting off the Black Lake. The light of it filtered through trees and created shadows that moved across the great lawns. Sirius’s eyes were focused on the shimmering branches of the whomping willow. He never felt more useless, more like a bad friend, than he did when Remus left the dorm room every month. He had never cared about a person the way he cared about Remus, except the other marauders, but then again, he supposed the way he felt about James and Peter was quite different than how he felt about Moony.

His eyes drifted over to the empty bed next to his own, and he couldn’t stop looking. He always wondered how bad it would be this time. How long it would be until Moony was back in that bed again. Some months he was there the next day. And some he was gone for three or four nights. Sirius continued to stare at the bed, lost in thoughts of Remus, memories and fantasies and worries and nightmares that could run through his brain for hours.

James nudged him. Sirius broke out of his daze. “It’s almost 1 in the morning mate. We better go to sleep if we want to wake up early enough to sneak down and see Moony after breakfast.” He whispered, and Sirius only nodded in response. Peter was already beginning to snore, having hit the mattress only a minute ago. But Sirius could see the same worry he felt reflected in James’s eyes.

He moved toward his trunk and rummaged around until he successfully pulled out two vials of dark purple liquid. He offered one to James. “Minnie asked Slughorn to help me brew some sleeping draught for when I’m having nightmares or anxiety and I can’t sleep. I have tons of these.”

James took the vial, and as his gaze met Sirius’s, the look on his face held a question without words. Sirius shrugged. “I always have trouble sleeping when he’s out there, and the last three times we’ve gone to see him in the mornings, you’ve looked like absolute shit, so I know you’re not sleeping either.”

“Thanks, mate.” James said with the utmost sincerity. They both downed the potion and climbed into bed. They were asleep within moments.

* * *

The marauders, though no longer bound by their “vow of silence,” were still quieter than usual at the breakfast table. Not so quiet as to draw suspicion, but subdued with an air of concern that the three of them always felt on mornings like this. They ate rather quickly and all but dashed out of the Great Hall. 

They opened the doors of the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey appeared in front of them in an instant. She sighed. She and McGonagall (and therefore, most likely Dumbledore) been made aware that the three boys knew about Remus’s condition. It had become obvious when they began showing up to see him right after every full moon and pestering Poppy with questions about how he was doing when she refused to let them in. Of course, they were not informed of what the marauders were currently up to in order to help their friend (though Sirius wasn’t convinced that Minnie was oblivious to their big plans). But Madam Pomfrey had relented to let them in when they came now, actually rather glad to see that Remus had some more good people looking out for him.

“Come in. Be quiet, though. Many of the students in here are still sleeping, including Mr. Lupin. Don’t you dare wake him,” She instructed, with a pointed look at James.

She led them all the way to the back, as always, and pulled back the curtains that cordoned Moony’s bed area from the rest of the hospital wing. The marauders had started calling it Moony’s Cozy Corner the year before, as he was such a frequent visitor and the only student who used this particular bed and section.

They pulled up their chairs and got the breakdown from Poppy before she had to go tend to another student. Not too bad this time, would be able to return to Gryffindor tower either that night of the next morning. He was scratched and bruised, but had already had two bones mended, and the rest of his minor injuries should clear up with a few more healing spells once he woke up. He got in just after 5 in the morning, and had only been sleeping for about four hours. She reminded them again not to wake him and went off to deal with a student who was coughing as though she had a toad in her lungs.

They sat and chatted in hushed tones for about thirty minutes, and then James and Peter had to go off to divination class. Sirius didn’t have any subjects until after lunch, so he decided to stay and told them he’d see them in the great hall in a few hours.

He dozed off for a while, but he woke to the sound of that girl’s horrid cough again, and it seemed to wake Moony, too.

His eyes opened slowly and landed on Sirius’s face. He looked worn and exhausted. “Hey Moony.” Sirius greeted him.

Remus smiled weakly at his friend. “Hi. What time is it?”

Sirius glanced at the clock on the bedside table. “11:17.” He replied, his eyes returning to Moony, inspecting for any signs of pain, committing any visible new scars to memory.

Remus began asking questions about what he’d missed in class yesterday, and Sirius answered each one diligently before they settled into more casual conversation about plans for that week, which petered out into a comfortable silence for a few minutes before either of them spoke.

“It’s actually very nice to hear your voice again.” Remus said softly. 

Sirius smiled. “Yes, my lovely vibrato will be more appreciated than ever around this school. I shall no longer be taken for granted.” He paused, and then, more seriously, said, “It was worth it. I’d give anything to take some of this pain away from you. Just to see you wake up after a full moon with even one less scar, to lessen it for you, that would be worth any price in this world.” Perhaps he should have been afraid that his words would convey too much of how he felt, but he didn’t care. He would have said the same for anyone he truly loved, and above all else, Remus was one of his best friends in the world. And he meant it.

Remus was looking at him in this way that set off a pang in Sirius’s chest that he desperately tried to ignore. There was love, and trust, and gratitude, and disbelief, all swimming in his amber eyes, mixing with a glassiness that indicated that he might cry. “Thank you. There’s nothing I can say that would actually convey how grateful I am for what you guys are doing for me. I never imagined that anyone would do something like this for me. It’s dangerous and complex and illegal and time-consuming, and yet you’re all doing it for… me. I hope it works.”

“It’ll work.” Sirius replied, and he truly believed it. “It’s us. If there’s anything in the world that always works, that always makes things better, it’s the marauders. In fact, as far as I know, it might be the only thing that really works. But I know it will work.”

Moony smiled at him, big and genuine and happy, and it set butterflies swooping in Sirius’s stomach. He had to get this thing under control.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watching Sirius with people who aren't him is really starting to get to Remus. Jealousy turns to heartbreak when real feelings are involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 7! Hope you enjoy it, more updates coming soon!

There was a knot in Remus’s stomach that felt like it was twisting and tightening more and more every day. Every time he looked at Sirius, he felt like it was hard to breathe. Nearly every week, Sirius was out with another girl, and he’d straggle back to the dormitory well past midnight sometimes, always whispering apologies for having woken Remus, who was never asleep anyway. How was he supposed to get any sleep ever when he knew Sirius was hooking up with every willing female partner, while he was stuck by himself in bed pining after his best friend, who was never going to reciprocate his feelings.

One morning last week, the boys had noticed two large hickeys on Sirius’s neck and collarbone as he had gotten dressed, and they’d teased him mercilessly about it. Or, at least, James and Peter had. Remus’s brain short-circuited and he mumbled out a handful of snarky comments when James did, but they lacked his signature Lupin wit. He was too distracted, first thinking about whoever had given them to Sirius, feeling despondent and jealous. But as he looked at them throughout the day (his eyes just wouldn’t land anywhere else), he fell into fantasy as he always did when it came to Sirius. He spent all three classes that day taking an unprecedented number of zero notes, staring at the marks on Sirius’s skin, vividly imagining scenarios in which he could work his mouth over his friend’s body, leaving bites and marks of his own.

For days on end, Remus thought about the hickeys. He wanted to have Sirius in that way, be the person who got to mark his territory on the smooth, pale skin. He lay awake at night thinking about it, squirming and trying to tell himself not to touch himself while thinking of Sirius, he really had to stop doing that. But his desire always won out, as Remus brought himself off as he thought about tasting Sirius’s skin and sweat, having his lithe body underneath his own, mapping it out so that he could memorize every inch. 

It was torturous. He’d be walking to the library and pass Sirius with some Ravenclaw girl in an alcove, sucking face as though their lives depended on it. Or he and James would take a walk around the grounds looking for any signs of secret passageways, and they’d see him and Marlene McKinnon under the big oak tree by the lake, snogging heavily. James always laughed like he was proud, and Remus forced himself to mirror the sound, feeling like he might throw up.

But he always dealt with it. He always swallowed down his feelings and never acted out of jealousy or envy or the flat-out rage he often felt at being so trapped by the weight of his crush..

It wasn’t until he’d walked into the Gryffindor common room to see Sirius leaning into Henry Ellington that something inside him completely broke. He watched as Sirius’s eyes bored into Henry’s face, with that flirtatious glint, and the other boy ate it up. Remus felt his whole body shaking, but he couldn’t look away. He had stopped dead in his tracks, only steps from the portrait hole. And he watched, his lungs constricting and his eyes burning with tears as Sirius kissed Henry. Knowing what was about to happen, Remus’s body finally agreed to move, rushing up to his dormitory as quickly as he could. He didn’t notice Lily watching his every move.

He wrenched the hangings around his bed shut and charmed them to stay shut. He didn’t want anyone to talk to him or see him right now. He could feel emotions bubbling up inside his chest, only moments from spilling over, and he couldn’t possibly process them all at once. Anger, sadness, envy, frustration, spite… hate.

He had known Sirius was potentially interested in blokes. Sirius had said so. But it had been a possibility, an abstract concept. One that had allowed Remus to subconsciously hope. Before, he could hope that maybe if Sirius liked blokes, one day he could like Remus. That maybe he knew he was interested, but was waiting for the right one to actually do something about it. Maybe Remus could be the right one.

But now, he knew. Sirius was indeed into blokes and willing to act on it. He just wasn’t interested in Remus. He’d rather go for Henry Ellington, who he barely spoke to outside of quidditch after-parties. Because Henry Ellington wasn’t covered in scars and bruises. He wasn’t broken. He wasn’t damaged. Henry Ellington was tall and handsome and he was sure of himself, and of course that’s what Sirius wanted. Why would Sirius ever want Remus? Why would  _ anyone _ ever want Remus?

He was awkward and gangly and his muscles weren’t very defined. He wore sweaters that were too big and read books in his free time. He couldn’t get that piece of hair to stop sticking up on the side of his head. He couldn’t play quidditch. He had too many freckles but not enough freckles to be freckly. He spent most of his money on chocolate. He didn’t like to drink as often as his friends. He had scars everywhere on his body, and a bite mark that ruined him forever. He was a monster. He wasn’t good enough for Sirius.

He hated himself. He hated himself for not being better, for not being more attractive, for not being someone that Sirius ever wanted. More than anything, he hated himself for ever letting himself hope that Sirius might return his feelings. 

Tears streamed down his face, and Remus found himself on his bed, curling into the fetal position, something he usually only did right after the full moon, when the shack was cold and his skin was bleeding. Sobs racked through his body, and he let his inner monologue of self-hatred chant over and over in a sick reverie. He heard James come in with Peter, and he was pretty sure they heard him. James tried to pull the bed curtains back gently, but they stayed firmly closed, and he left him alone, though his eyes stayed glued to Remus’s bed for nearly an hour as he heard him trying to cry as quietly as he could.

Remus cried himself to sleep that night. It was the first night in a long time that he hadn’t dreamt of Sirius.

* * *

Remus hadn’t felt like this in quite some time. This feeling of misery and depression was something that usually only came in the summer when he had to face the full moons completely alone and dangerous and had no hope of seeing his friends for weeks at the least. But for the week that followed Sirius’s newfound fling with Henry Ellington, Remus felt like all the joy had been sucked out of the world.

He could tell James was worried about him. He kept asking him if he was alright, trying to cheer him up, and reassuring Moony that he was there if he ever wanted to talk when Remus would brush him off.

He supposed this had been a long time coming, what with the build up of his feelings for his best mate and absolutely no outlet for them. He hadn’t breathed a word to a single soul.

He was sitting in the library with Lily Evans, studying for their History of Magic final, when she asked him.

“What’s going on with you? You’re practically silent, and you look as though you haven’t been sleeping.”

“I never sleep.” He answered dully.

“No. This is different. You do always need more sleep, but lately… you seem really upset. What is it?” She prompted.

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“And I don’t really want to eat vegetables. But it’s good for me.” Lily paused. “I’m a good listener. And anything you say stays between us. Always.”

Remus didn’t speak for a moment.

“What do you think it feels like to be in love?” His voice came out quiet and hoarse.

She blinked at him, perhaps not expecting that to be what he said. “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I’ve never been in love.”

The look he gave her made it clear that she wasn’t being helpful.

“... But I imagine that it would be quite wonderful.” She said softly. “Like… being with that person would be kind of like coming home. You know, when you’ve had such a long day and you finally get to sink into bed and crawl under the covers and everything feels warm and cozy. I like to think that being with someone you really love is like that. That it’s like… like coming here. Finding that place, that person I guess, that just is  _ right _ . Where you can be yourself and you feel like you belong, like it’s where you’ve been meant to be all along.”

Remus felt his heart squeeze at that. He did know that feeling. It was how he felt when he just let himself enjoy being around Sirius, without worrying about all the rest of it. He looked down at his feet, his fingers toying with the edge of a fraying bookmark.

“What if you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back?” He asked, his voice wobbling a bit. When he looked back up at Lily, his eyes were watery.

She looked at him with pure kindness in her eyes. And in that moment, even though he knew he couldn’t bring himself to say it, he thought she might have understood. “Well, I would imagine that that would be really hard. I think it would really hurt.”

“Yeah.” Remus said simply. He still felt a little numb, but some of the pain and the weight had left his shoulders. He moved to go back to reading his book, but Lily spoke again.

“And I think it would probably make a person wonder and doubt themselves a lot, but that wouldn’t be fair. I think everybody deserves love. And I think it would be wrong to give up hope that the right person will love us when the time comes.”

He gave her a small smile, and though he couldn’t quite believe her words, he was grateful for them all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I like made myself really sad while I was writing this, REMUS LUPIN DESERVES THE WORLD!!! He's perfect, and he's not a monster and I love him (and so does Sirius). Thank you for reading, chapter 8 should be up soon as well! I hope you like it, let me know what you think if you feel so inclined!
> 
> side note: I really want to write smut for them but it's so difficult when they're not together yet ughhhh. the slow burn is the way to go but I'm even frustrating myself a little bit haha. It's okay, it'll be worth it once it all comes together!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm so unbelievably sorry that I haven't updated in like three months, I'm the worst and to be honest with y'all, I have no valid excuses! Corona is taking it out of my mental health and I've been reading too much fanfiction rather than writing it. But, I digress. Here is chapter 8, I hope it was at least mildly worth the long-ass wait. Thank you all for reading and putting up with my bullshit!!! Enjoy some gay pining, my treat!

“Potter, I’ve got… eight bottles of firewhisky here. What’s the butterbeer status?” Sirius called over his shoulder as he counted the liquor in his trunk.

Clinking noises came from James’s bunk. “Err…. About two and a half cases.”

Sirius stood up and faced his friend. “I suppose that should do it. And if we run out, you know some of the older students have supplies too.”

“Come to think of it, how is it we’re always in charge of the alcohol when we’re in fourth year?” James asked indignantly.

“Well, we’ve got the best nicking and hiding skills in the school, mate. We have a reputation as purveyors of mischief, and it must be upheld.”

Sirius snorted a laugh, and was opening his mouth to retort when the door swung open and Remus entered the room. Sirius’s heart twisted as he looked up at him. He was wearing a sweater that was too big on him, the sleeves scrunched up so they didn’t go past his hands, even in the early months of summer. His hair was its usual mop of curls, slightly falling in his face. He had slight circles under his eyes, as per usual, but he had a knowing smile on his face nonetheless. 

“Purveyors of mischief? You certainly think highly of yourself, Jamesie.” Moony prodded at James.

James levelled him with a glare that held no animosity. “I wouldn’t think so highly of myself if everyone else didn’t think of me so highly. I can’t help being adored.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “So it seems like you lot have got plenty of alcohol for the occasion. Maybe I’m better off staying up here and reading than having Sirius try to get me even more smashed than last time…”

“Oh, no, no, Moony. You’re coming to the party, and you’re playing the games, and you’re talking to lots of people, and I won’t hear anything otherwise.” Sirius challenged him, with a beaming smile on his face so wide that Remus had little choice to say anything but yes.

When he did say yes, Sirius was happy enough to let his mind wander to the possibilities of the night. James liked to pull out the silly cliché games at parties, with truths and dares that Sirius wasn’t quite sure he wanted to hear or see from Remus. But tonight he was planning another muggle game with some bottle that involved kissing, and Sirius’s mind had been fantasizing about having an innocent reason to kiss Moony for days now ever since James had mentioned it.

The thought stayed on his mind all the time they got the common room ready for a marauder-style party. As he summoned shot glasses, he wondered what Remus’s lips would taste like in real life. Would they taste like he imagined in his daydreams? As he enchanted flashing banners, he imagined what Remus’s hands would feel like in his hair as his lips moved against his mouth. Would they be as soft as they were when they braided his hair? As he helped the house elves with the food platters they’d snuck to him, he thought about how Remus’s eyes would look at him after. Would they be as longing as his own always were when he looked at him?

Most of all, he wondered if he’d ever have the answers to any of his questions.

* * *

Remus was feeling the alcohol just a little. Maybe a little more than a little. They had just finished playing Never Have I Ever, and James and Sirius liked to specifically target him when they played, as they knew he wouldn’t drink enough for their taste if they didn’t.

So, as he settled into the second circle, he felt less worry than usual when James announced that it was time for truth or dare.

“I would like to go first!” James declared.”I choose… Peter!”

Peter’s eyes widened. Remus could see the thoughts racing through his mind. James would most certainly make him reveal something personal if he picked truth, but he would also most certainly make him do something dangerous or embarrassing if he picked dare. He seemed to weigh the two. “Dare.” He stated, trying to seem bold and brave.

“I dare you to let the girls shave your legs.” James’s eyes glinted as he locked them onto Peter’s face.

The grimace on his face was evident even through the brave face he put on as the shortest marauder took a breath and said, “Fine.” He stood and looked around the circle. WHen his eyes landed on Remus, he gave Peter a reassuring smile. “Who’s gonna do it?” He asked, seeming more sure of his choice.

Marlene and Dorcas both stood up and offered to be his assistants, and they shuffled off to the girls’ bathroom, letting Peter up the stairs so that he could face the fate of the razor.

In the several minutes that they were gone, the rest of the Gryffindors made lively conversation. Remus was vaguely aware that he was sort of part of a conversation with Frank Longbottom and Emmeline Vance, but he wasn’t contributing. He couldn’t tear his attention away from Sirius.

Sirius was sitting directly across the circle from him, legs crossed, talking animatedly to Fabian Prewett, a seventh year boy with flaming red hair. Sirius’s own dark locks were swept up in a bun on the top of his head, secured with what Remus had been repeatedly told was something called a scrunchie, with his wand sticking through it. His eyes were alight with joy and a slight cloud of haze that came with the territory of drinking large amounts of firewhisky. His hands moved vigorously as he talked, waving and gesturing with each passing phrase, and Remus couldn’t help the grin that was growing wider by the second on his face. He wished he could just watch Sirius like this, carefree and happy, for as long as the world kept spinning. He wished that the next day wasn’t going to be their last full day at Hogwarts, that they wouldn’t be apart for the whole summer, that Remus wouldn’t be alone in his hometown and that Sirius wouldn’t be at his parents’ house with his family. 

But all of those wishes were futile, so he just stared for as long as he could, memorizing the features of the most beautiful face he’d ever seen. Mapping the curve of his nose, the shape of his eyebrows, the wisps of his eyelashes, the constellations of the few freckles Sirius had. He knew it was dangerous to look so obviously for this long, but for some reason, he didn’t care right then. Sirius was too beautiful to care about anything else right now.

He was pulled out of his yearning by the sound of people clambering down the stairs. Marlene and Dorcas wore proud smiles while Peter wore a face that was a shade of red even Remus hadn’t seen him turn before.

“Well?” Sirius prompted as the three of them returned to the circle. Peter sighed and lifted up his pant legs to reveal his newly smooth, hairless calves, and was met with a round of applause and wolf-whistles from the group.

Peter’s turn to ask led to an awkward silence after Mary MacDonald revealed that, no, she did not in fact have a crush on Peter. Mary in turn dared Marlene to lick the side of James’s face, after which she dared Sirius to streak down the train tomorrow, which he wholeheartedly agreed to. Sirius then faced a reluctant Lily Evans, who, with wits about her, asked for a truth.

“Are you or are you not secretly madly in love with my friend, James Potter?” Sirius asked as Remus scrutinized him across the circle. He had a great inkling that Sirius did not know anything Remus didn’t know, so either Sirius was looking to snap James out of his misery or looking to joke with him and inflict even more pain. Probably the latter, he concluded as he watched Sirius grinning wickedly at Lily as his eyes darted to James.

“Absolutely not.” Lily said firmly, as though she thought she were putting the matter to rest for good.

James sulked and Sirius patted him on the back reassuringly, though he looked a little too gleeful for someone who should be pitying their friend.

Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius, however, getting the feeling that someone else was looking at him. Lily Evans had fixed her gaze on Lupin and was levelling him with a stare, a hard look in her eyes that made Remus feel the kind of terrified that was calm and chilled way into his soul.

“Remus.” She stated simply, as though he didn’t already know who she was going to pick.

“Truth.” He answered, not wanting to challenge the fire in her eyes at the moment. Though, he supposed that might have been a mistake as soon as the word left his mouth and her eyes seemed to glint even more.

“Do you have a crush on anyone?” Lily’s voice washed over his ears and he instantly started spiralling into panic mode.

_ She must know. I’ve got to stop spilling secret feelings to her. She’s too perceptive. Why would she want me to say it in front of anyone. Oh, Merlin, Sirius is going to hate me forever and it’s going to be horrible and I’m not going to have any more friends... _

_ Do you have a crush on anyone?  _ The question rang in his ears, and it hit him that the wording lent itself to vague answers.

“Yes.” He replied simply, and her face fell as she realized that, perhaps for the first time in her life, she hadn’t used the proper phrasing.

“Who?” The question came from at least five different people in the circle, including James, Peter, and most importantly, Sirius.

Remus shook his head. “Nope. Not how this works. No follow up questions.”

For the rest of the game, Remus was picked for a truth or dare every other question, and he consistently chose dare, refusing to answer the question he knew they all were going to ask. He rolled his eyes at James when he dared him to tell the group who his crush was, but Remus explained once again that that was not how the game worked, and was instead forced to drink 5 shots of firewhisky, which made it entirely more difficult to remember to keep his mouth shut about certain matters which he wanted to keep of a private nature, but he managed.

Truth or dare ended, and throughout the entire next game, Remus thought the subject had been dropped, but his heart plummeted all the way through his stomach when Sirius downed the last of the bottle of firewhisky he was holding and loudly announced, “Time to play Spin the Bottle!”

They hadn’t played spin the bottle all year, because every game during third year had ended in embarrassment and disaster for many of the involved parties. Remus was rather hoping to never have to play again. Drunk Sirius had other ideas.

* * *

Sirius hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything else since the moment the word “yes” had exited Remus’s lips nearly an hour ago. Never Have I Ever had been his own suggestion, as it typically was a great way for him to get aggressively sloshed, which was once again the case. He wanted to stop thinking about it, wanted not to feel jealous and desperate to know, wanted to not feel anything in particular toward Remus right now.

This was, naturally, difficult when Remus looked the way he did tonight. Sirius couldn’t keep his eyes off him for more than a few moments at a time. Mid-conversation, he’d find his gaze drawn back to Remus, his heart doing all kinds of weird and unwelcome fluttery things at the sight of Moony’s soft curls sticking up at the back of his head, tousled with sweat and the evidence of a good time. Sirius would be engaging in a perfectly Remus-free chugging match, and the moment he pulled off and won, his eyes would seek the other boy to know if he was watching. He didn’t seem to be. But the color in his cheeks and the louder than usual laugh dripping from his lips made both Sirius’s chest and his pants feel just a little too tight.

The alcohol also had the adverse effect of absolutely destroying his impulse control, so when the thought of kissing Remus popped into his head for the 684th time that day, he glanced down at the nearly empty bottle in his hands and thought he had been struck with perhaps the greatest idea of all time as he yelled “SPIN THE BOTTLE!” at the top of his lungs.

He purposefully placed himself across from Remus in the circle again, thinking he could somehow figure out the right way to spin it to land directly opposite him. He had perfected his wrist action skipping rocks at the pond behind James’s house last summer, so now was the time to make it work.

Of course, it didn’t occur to him that if the bottle landed on Remus, Remus would then spin again and kiss someone else. Nor did it occur to him that luck was not so privy to those who were fifteen and drunk.

A fifth year named Claire spun first, and it landed on James, two spots away from Sirius. They kissed for a brief moment before James leaned back and eagerly reached for the bottle. Sirius did not miss the way that his eyes glanced quickly and hopefully towards Lily Evans as he spun.

The bottle landed on Dorcas Meadowes. James shrugged off his disappointment rather quickly, and snogged Dorcas to a round of raucous cheers. Dorcas then kissed Marlene, who kissed Benjy Fenwick, who spun and kissed Alice Fortescue.

Sirius was carefully watching the people in the circle, gauging reactions from the students. Lily rolled her eyes every time James looked at her. Dorcas blushed for several minutes after kissing Marlene. Frank Longbottom looked as though he might punch someone when Alice kissed Benjy. More than anyone, he found himself staring at Remus, as he usually did. He loved the slightly glazed look in Moony’s eyes when he was drunk, he loved seeing his friend finally let loose a little, finally act like the Moony the marauders knew and loved around other people. So Sirius took in the view, eyes settling on his messy hair and his pink lips. He dwelled on the ink-smudged tips of his fingers peeking out from his sweater paws and the small patch of freckles that was showing on his collarbone, where his sweater was slightly disheveled and pulled away from his neck. Between glances, Sirius did enjoy watching everyone else and their reactions to crushes. He found this rather entertaining, not to mention a great source of information.

But then Alice spun the bottle. All amusement left Sirius’s body as he watched the tip of the bottle point at Remus. He’d never seen Remus kiss someone else before. He’d never even heard Remus talk about crushes or dating in terms of his own involvement, except to tell the marauders to get off his back when they were teasing him.

And Moony gave that shy, goofy little smile, and he leaned forward to kiss Alice and their lips met. Sirius couldn’t look away even though every cell in his body screamed that his eyes would spill tears if he looked for another second. 

At first, anger coursed through his veins and every muscle in his body longed to punch a wall, or Alice, but as Remus lingered slightly, all Sirius felt was heartbreak. Rationally, Sirius knew that the kiss probably only lasted about 12 seconds, but it felt like days. Days of agonizing pain and he just wanted to turn off his feelings because this was  _ too much. _

Thoughts raced through his head, swimming around and threatening to give him a migraine.

_ He looks like he’s a very good kisser. _

_ He looks like he’s enjoying kissing her. _

_ He likes kissing girls. _

_ He wouldn’t like kissing you. _

_ He’s not yours. _

_ He never will be. _

_ Just wait till he runs off with Alice. Then you and Frank can mope and cry together. _

When they pulled back, Sirius finally exhaled, not realizing he’d been holding his breath. It didn’t matter much. It still felt incredibly difficult to breathe, as though his chest were constricting. His eyes watched painfully as Remus’s hand reached for the bottle and spun it once more. It landed on Fabian Prewett. Sirius felt like his throat was closing over and he could feel the tears rising up inside it. Everything felt cold and empty as Remus kissed the other boy.

He felt numb and overstimulated all at once. As though he was surrounded by static fuzz and nothingness, as the glass walls of his facade fell onto him, piercing through skin, making a hundred cuts that bled all at once.

Sirius stood up, earning a few glances from the group, swooped down to take a bottle of firewhisky from James’s hands, and took a large swig as he headed toward the dormitory stairs. He plastered on his signature Sirius Black, Life of the Party, ‘I’m fine’ smile, and turned to the group. “I’m bored. I shall be finishing this bottle and passing out now. See you losers next year!” With that, he turned on his heel and went up the stairs, the fake smile melting off his face as he opened the door.

He didn’t notice how Remus stared after him as he left.

He stumbled to pull off all his clothes except for his underwear, and proceeded to chug the rest of the liquor bottle. He climbed into bed and yanked the curtains shut, looking at the scarlet fabric as tears silently poured down his face.

He stayed like that for hours before he fell asleep, wishing for the world to stop spinning and for his heart to stop beating just for a minute so he could pretend this was all fine. He wanted to pretend this was still purely sexual, purely hormonal. He wanted to find some spell that would make him stop feeling this way. He wanted to look at Remus the way he looked at James. He wanted not to have to sob into his pillow when he heard Moony’s familiar footsteps pattering on the floor toward his bed. He wanted to feel nothing, so long as he didn’t have to feel this.

* * *

Remus couldn’t tell what had been wrong with Sirius the night before, but he knew something was up. He could hear Sirius from the next bed over, and he could tell he was awake from the way he was breathing. It dawned on him as he was trying to fall asleep that it might have been the realization that Sirius was going back to his parents’ house the next day, but he couldn’t be quite sure. Sirius usually wasn’t shy about that topic, at least not with Remus.

That morning, though, Sirius seemed to be so severely hungover that he might not remember anything from the night before anyway.

“Unnhhhhh.” He groaned at Remus when the taller boy slightly pulled back the curtain at 9:30 a.m. “Please turn off the sun and all noises ever.”

Remus scoffed. Honestly, as much as he adored Sirius, he often couldn’t believe just how much of a drama queen he was. “Padfoot, this is what we call… a consequence. I’ve been telling the three of you that they exist for the last four years and you never believe me, no matter how many detentions you land yourselves in.”

“Easy for you to say when you mastermind nearly all the pranks but never seem to be in detention with us.” Sirius grumbled as he slowly rose from the bed and accepted the glass of water and the hangover potion Remus had in his hand. “Thank you,” he muttered reluctantly.

“You alright, mate? You seemed really out of it last night. Is something wrong?” Remus gazed down at Sirius, trying not to be affected by the way his hair was so puffy and lopsided after sleeping.

For a moment, Remus thought he saw a flash of something he couldn’t quite put his finger on in Sirius’s eyes. Sadness? Fear? Desperation? But just as soon as it appeared, it was gone, and Sirius gave a slight chuckle. “I guess drinking an entire bottle of firewhisky makes you pretty out of it, mate. And right now, what’s wrong is that the world is spinning really fast and my brain is being hammered from the inside and the outside at the same time.” He explained to Moony with his usual nonchalance.

Deciding not to press the issue, especially with Sirius in this state, Remus laughed half-heartedly. Sirius waved him off and told him he’d be down in the great hall in a few minutes, so he made his way out of the dormitory and through the castle.

He tried not to dwell too much on the swooping feeling of disappointment that had been running through his stomach since last night when Sirius had left the party. Remus had been drunkenly hoping that spin the bottle might result in finally getting to kiss Sirius

He could smash that feeling down if he really tried, but there was nothing to quell the slight emptiness he felt as he entered the Great Hall alone, knowing his trunk was fully packed and waiting for him upstairs. They were getting on the train in a few hours, and it would be weeks or even months before he saw Sirius, James, and Peter again. It would be a whole two and a half months without crazy pranks and late nights in the dorm spent annoying Frank. Two and a half months without hearing James’s booming laugh. Two and a half months without being lulled to sleep by Peter’s snoring. Two and a half months without seeing Sirius’s dimples when he beamed. And Sirius had gone to bed earlier than he’d expected last night, eliminating the possibility of one last night of marauder-ing the way it had begun: laying on the dormitory floor, giggling and whispering like they were the only people in the world. 

Remus was trying especially hard not to be too broken up about the fact that Sirius had gone to sleep by himself last night. For three years running, the two of them had spent the last night of term cuddled up in Remus’s bed. He didn’t want to feel as upset about missing out on that as he did. He knew his longing to hold Sirius close as they slept was not healthy or platonic anymore, and he had guilt creeping up his spine as he struggled to fall asleep without his best friend last night.

He placed his disappointments aside as he sat down for breakfast next to a very hungover James, who immediately slung an arm around him and gave him a bright smile that did not match his bloodshot eyes and even-messier-than-usual hair. Remus forgot to be upset for a while after that. He laughed so hard at one of James’s jokes that he snorted out pumpkin juice all over Peter’s plate, and Sirius joined them a few minutes later, sending them a not-so subtle wink as he strode over to the Gryffindor table. 

“All set boys?” He rasped out, and Peter gave a small nod in response.

James smiled as Moony spoke, “Been perfectly set up for weeks now. As soon as old Peeves gets the signal, we’re on.”

Sirius grinned. “What are you waiting for, then?” He glanced around the hall until he found Peeves lingering near the entrance. He checked the staff table, then turned toward Peeves and gave him a firm salute. He sat down and started shoveling toast and bacon into his mouth until they heard loud crashes and cackling down the corridor a few minutes later. They watched as McGonagall swept out of the hall, the look on her face as stern as ever, Filch following on her heels to apprehend Peeves.

As soon as Minnie was safely out of sight, the four marauders pulled out their wands and pointed them at the house banners plastered on the ceiling, a decoration that was festive, yet out of place in the great hall, as they weren’t supposed to be there. The students had just assumed they were new decor when they’d appeared two weeks ago. They murmured incantations simultaneously, and the banners detached from the ceiling and released a storm of leaping chocolate frogs onto all four of the house tables.

The four boys laughed hysterically as students all around them shrieked and ducked, some of them reaching out in attempts to capture some of the sweets. Remus fell into James’s side when he saw a group of the frogs kicking Frank Longbottom in the face.

McGonagall swooped back into the great hall, her eyes narrowing in on the marauders. Remus nudged James and gave Sirius and Peter a swift kick to the shin, and the four of them steeled themselves to look surprised as best they could, perhaps even a little frightened. Yet, still Minnie was striding toward them with the knowing look in her eyes that was ever present when she so much as glanced at one of them. As she approached them and opened her mouth to accuse them, Sirius interrupted her.

“Minnie, you’ve got no proof! And it’s the last day of school, you can’t very well give us detention now. And they’ve already counted up all the house points, so you can’t take those away either. We are protected by our impending departure.” He paused. “And our innocence, of course.” He added.

Remus watched, waited to see her reaction. She looked as though she was trying not to smile, and wasn’t quite achieving it. She shot them all a glare that had very little bite, and just continued toward the staff table. They all dissolved into laughter once more as she plucked one of the chocolate frogs off of Frank Longbottom’s face and popped it into her mouth.

* * *

Sirius’s still slightly lingering hangover aside, he tried to make the best of his final few hours of freedom before returning to the most ancient and noble House of Black. He had a lot of fun, though he was pretty sure he’d spend the whole summer regretting that he hadn’t woken up wrapped in Remus’s long arms. Drunk and mopey Sirius had stubbornly forgotten about their end of term tradition, and Sirius was trying not to let it get to him too much.

All in all, it was a great last day. The prank had gone off without a hitch, they hadn’t even gotten in trouble, Sirius hadn’t even had to pack his own trunk (Moony did it with a wave of his wand), the marauders laughed and joked the entire train ride back to King’s Cross Station, Sirius had happily delivered on his drunken dare of streaking down the train, and he had made Remus smile no less than 14 times so far (he just couldn’t help keeping count).

The train pulled into platform 9 ¾ exactly on time, just like always. People started puttering around the cabins, collecting their things and clambering off the train to greet their families and say goodbye to their friends. The marauders piled onto the platform like one single entity rather than four people about to part ways. Sirius looked around and saw Regulus heading in a direction with purpose, and following his path, saw his father standing as far removed from the bustle of the train as possible, broodily conversing with Lucius Malfoy’s father. Sirius decided that was a nice, safe distance away.

He turned his gaze back to his friends, and they wordlessly formed into a group hug, before hugging individually. Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around Peter, chuckling as Peter promised, “I shall keep you horribly up to date with all of my failed attempts to pick up muggle girls this summer. And I’ll see you at James’s in July.”

“I’m going to hold you to that promise, Pete.” He said, hoping his voice didn’t come out too watery. “And I’ll entertain you with all of my horror stories about Kreacher in return.” Peter nodded and clapped him on the back.

“Love you, mate.” Sirius smiled at him.

“Love you, too.” Peter glanced around quickly, and then pulled a book out of his bag and handed it to Sirius. “I nicked this from the library before we left. It’s all about locomotor spells. Thought it might help with the map, but seeing as I’m rubbish at charms, and can’t do magic over the summer, thought it’d be better for you, mate.”

Sirius grinned at him and thanked him profusely, taking the book and enveloping Peter in one more hug.

Remus looked at him in a way that made his heart stop beating for what felt like a solid minute, eyes so soft and fond that Sirius thought he might be imagining it. Remus’s arms naturally circled Sirius’s form, and Sirius held him close and just breathed him in for a moment before saying, “I’m really gonna miss you, Moony.” The crack that appeared in his voice was incredibly obvious, and Remus just squeezed him a little tighter. 

“I’m gonna miss you too, Sirius.” He tried to ignore the way he shivered when Remus’s gravelly, sincere voice said his name like that right next to his ear. “Promise you’ll write every week?”

“Probably more, if I’m honest.” He laughed. Then, more seriously, he said, “Don’t shy away near the moons again this year. I wish you didn’t have to be alone for them anymore. I wish we were already....” He trailed off.

Moony pulled back a little and smiled at him.  _ 15, _ Sirius’s brain noted unhelpfully. “It’s okay. You’ve already done more than I could ever ask for. And I promise I won’t keep to myself too much.”

Sirius nodded, and gave him another hug for good measure. “Love you. See you at James’s next month.” He said.

“Yep. Love you too.” Remus murmured into his shoulder, and Sirius’s heart clenched in a way that scared him.

James had tears streaking unabashedly down his face when he pulled Sirius into the tightest hug he’d ever experienced, which was saying something, considering he’d been friends with James for four years now. Sirius said nothing though, as he was hugging his best friend just as tightly For a few moments, they remained silent as they held each other. 

James broke the silence. “I’m going to miss you, mate. So fucking much.”

Sirius just nodded into the crook of his neck. “I’m gonna miss you too, Jamesie. But we’ll be marauder-ing again before you know it.”

James pulled back and barked out a watery laugh. “Of course we will. And until then, I’ll be writing you every single day like the pathetic tosser I am, holed up alone in my house with my elderly parents, whom I love, but let’s face it, they’re just not quite as fun and dangerous as we are.” He grinned wickedly.

“Naturally.” Sirius replied easily, a smile etching itself onto his face as well. “I shall write you every day, too. A welcome escape from the tragic pitfalls of summer with my horrid family.”

He watched as the smile on James’ face faltered for a moment, then felt himself being pulled into another tight embrace. “If you need a place to get away, just say the word. I wish you could stay with me the whole summer, just move in and never have to go back there.”

“Me too. But I think you’d have trouble convincing my parents on that one.” Sirius mumbled into his shoulder. He was pretty sure he felt James squeeze him more enthusiastically for just a moment before they both pulled back, and Sirius couldn’t help the way his eyes started to sting with tears when he saw his best friend standing in front of him, tears tracking down his face even amongst the crowd. “I’ll see you in a couple weeks, then, mate.”

James nodded. “Come prepared with at least a dozen different ways we can wreak havoc at school next term.”

Sirius flashed a wicked grin, because of course he would show up at the Potter’s doorstep with prank supplies and a million ideas for marauder-ing. He didn’t know any other way. "Of course. I love you, mate." He said, and then hugged James again, just because he had to.

He could feel James's watery smile against his shoulder as he said, "Love you too, Sirius."

He pulled all three of the other boys into one last group hug before Peter, James, and Remus scurried away to meet their parents, and Sirius trudged over to find Reg and their father.

He didn’t say a word as they left, nor did he mutter more than a few words at dinner that night when Regulus was regaling his parents with his school exploits and tales of his wannabe Dark-Arts friends. He wanted his perfect friends and his perfect memories to stay perfect, to stay his without the inevitable disgust and condescension from his parents. So he grunted in agreement when necessary and voiced a vague, “Good,” when, after an hour of hanging on Regulus’ every word about school, his father asked him in a bored voice how his school year had been. As they asked no follow-up questions, Sirius gathered that they didn’t mind his near silence.

When he went up to his room, he started to unpack his school trunk, already longing for the day he’d start packing it again for the first of September. Mixed in with his things, he found one of Remus’ favorite sweaters. He knew it was unlikely that Remus would have forgotten it or accidentally packed it in the wrong place, the boy wore it at least once a week, but Sirius couldn’t let himself dwell on the small surge of hope that would give him if he dedicated the time to ponder how he ended up with it. So, instead, he curled up with it on his bed, breathing in the comforting and familiar scent of Moony, and fell asleep imagining he was in Remus’ arms, just like he should have last night. 

He’d never slept so easily under his parents’ roof as he did that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh the pining is mutual... i yearn.
> 
> Thank you for reading, please comment and leave kudos if you feel inclined to do so, it always makes my day! I'm going to try really hard to have a more regular update schedule from now on, there's still so much slow burn to go and I have to get through it all to get to the satisfying end. I love you all!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the summer before fifth year! Time for a collection of letters between the marauders, ft. the unspoken language of some pining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO SORRY for how long it has taken me to update. life has been kind of crazy, my mental health has been shitty, and I've been writing chapter nine for like months. But I sparked my excitement for this story again so I'm really going to try to keep it going and stay consistent for the foreseeable future! Chapter 10 is already planned out, I just have to finish writing it. I'm not in school for a few more weeks, so it should be up by the end of the week! Please enjoy!

_June 20_

_Dear James,_

_I’ve been in this house less than two days and I already wish I could run away to yours. My parents are mad as always, and my useless mother spends her free time screaming like a banshee. Reg yammered on at dinner last night about his stupid Slytherin friends and it took serious effort not to vomit when he was talking about how broken up he is that Lucius Malfoy just graduated, and my father just kept droning about how great of a role model he was for Reg and not to worry, they’re close family friends, and clearly hinting at the fact that there are discussions of him marrying one of my cousins. Got a proper beating for not biting my tongue about it all. But “Poor Narcissa” just slipped out of my mouth! Though, I expect she’s thrilled with the git, she’s just as into all that pureblood rubbish as he is. Andromeda’s the only one of my cousins with any sense or decency. Alas, apparently admonishing old Lucy’s torment of innocent first years is not appropriate conversation for the Black family dinner table. I suppose I shouldn’t let it slip that I also nicked all his fancy hair products (when is anyone but us going to tell him that he simply can’t pull off the long hair look as well as I can?)._

_So I guess all of this is to say that everything is going as per usual at the most ancient and noble house of Black. In this… 33rd hour of my misery within these walls, I beg that we begin planning our marauder excursion for as soon as humanly possible. I hope you know that the two weeks of summer which I’ll be spending at your house are the beacon of shimmering light at the end of this Black, Black tunnel (get it? Black tunnel? Cause that’s our name). Anyway, I have ideas. They involve firewhisky, pushing Pete into your pool, working on the map, and gathering plans and supplies for a year of pranks the likes of which Hogwarts has never seen._

_I’ve often read letters and scoffed at musings that the sender will be eagerly awaiting the return letter, painting pictures of a lonely woman draped in black gowns and shawls, staring out a window, watching for post from her love fighting a war, because this is a ridiculous image and no one could possibly care about mail that much. But I fear that this image is closer to reality for me than I would normally care to admit. Your letters of response (and those from Pete and Remus) are all I have to live for. Well, that and tormenting my mother._

_So, Jamesie-Poo, I shall sit by the window, watching the rain in the dreary weather of England, even in this supposed summer, awaiting your owl with bated breath. If this gets interrupted by my daily routine of blasting “filthy muggle music” from my room and glaring at Kreacher, I can’t hope to feel truly sorry._

_Yours in Misery and Maraudery,_

_Sirius Orion Black_

_June 21_

_To my beloved Sirius Orion Black,_

_It sounds like you’re having the time of your life at ye olde Black residence! I sure hope they are enjoying your festive appreciations of some of the greatest music of all time. I’ve always thought that perhaps the loud sounds of Freddie Mercury and Mick Jagger would be just jarring enough to dislodge the stick Walburga seems to have permanently stuck up her arse. I do hope this is the case, though my hopes are not high. I think the likelihood of your mother ceasing to be a loud, ugly, bigoted troll is even lower than that of me befriending Snivellus._

_I can imagine nothing worse than sitting at a dinner table eating your parents’ surely bland food and listening to people yammering on about Lucius Malfoy and his supposedly luscious locks, a long-haired look that you most definitely pull off better. However, if I were to stretch my mind to think of something even more terrible than that, I suppose it might be whatever understanding I’ve gained of Kreacher as you’ve described him to me in bits over the years. I shudder to think that his pillowcase is truly in the state you claim it is. If it were up to me, I’d give him proper clothes. And proper wages, for that matter. Well. Maybe not Kreacher, as you’ve made it clear that he’s just as big a git as your family, so maybe they can keep him. But the good house elves like the ones at Hogwarts? They deserve the world for all the free food they’ve given us. Maybe I’ll try to leave them a tip like the muggles do next time there’s a big clean-up…_

_Sirius, you know that I believe it could NEVER be too early to start planning marauder exploits, for the summer or anytime after. If it were up to me, I’d never do any work and we’d just plan pranks years in advance until we had enough schemes to last us till graduation. I can definitely procure some firewhisky for the final two weeks of summer. I’ll owl Lupin and Pete with dates for a more official invitation, so we should be all set to push Pete in the pool and hopefully get Remus drunk enough to reveal that secret crush of his._

_Don’t long for me too much, my dearest. You’ll have me hot under the collar if I think of you in a victorian nightgown, sighing at your window any longer. If you keep professing your love for me, I’m afraid I’ll start to yearn, which would only be unfair, given that I am promised to love another for the rest of my days._

_Do you think I should start writing poetry for Evans? I tried, but I couldn’t think of any descriptions that match the right shade of green for her eyes._

_Anyway. Thanks for the letter mate. I’ll see you sooner than you know it, and this owl will be your best friend all summer, flying back and forth between us. Until then, keep pissing off Walburga for me._

_Yours in Mischief,_

_James Potter-Soon-to-be-Evans_

_July 2_

_Dear James,_

_You won’t believe what happened to me on vacation with my parents. We went to these muggle islands (blimey, was I sunburnt for the first few days) and there were all these pretty muggle girls on the beaches in their swimsuits, just drinking all day._

_I went for a walk on the beach one night with one of the girls, Lisa, and for a blissful two hours, I think I might have understood all that shit you spew about Lily Evans. Of course, the next morning, I wasn’t quite as in love with her as I had been when she LET ME SNOG HER THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!_

_We went for a walk every night that week after that, but then I had to leave with my parents and come back home. One of the nights, she was telling me about the muggles news channel she watches on something I think she called a VT? Anyway, she was talking about this thing called a weather… forecast. Apparently muggles think they can predict what the weather is going to be like, even without magic, and even we haven’t really perfected it, so I’m a little doubtful, but Lisa said her weatherman (whatever that is) gets it right about three out of four times. I was thinking maybe we could get a hold of one of these weather forecasts to see when a storm is coming for our… friendly project to help with Remus’s furry little problem._

_Anyway, I hope your summer is loads of fun for you, and just to make it a little better, I’ve sent along some sweets from the island with this letter. The tropical fruits are delicious, and they’ve figured out some ways to make drinks out of them that might be even better than butterbeer. We’ll have to look into that for next year’s parties- or maybe even for the summer at your house. Enjoy the sweets, can’t wait to hear from you soon! I hope your days are filled with wonderful nothingness and your nights are filled with dreams of the beautiful Lily Evans._

_Marauder-ly yours,_

_Peter_

_July 11_

_Dear Sirius,_

_I read your last letter in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, and I woke up my mother with how hard I was laughing. Though I had to sheepishly apologize, I must thank you. I hadn’t laughed like that since we left Hogwarts._

_I also want to thank you for the chocolates that arrived this morning. I know they were from you. It was hard to miss your handwriting on the label. The last few days have been hard, what with the full moon here at home. Didn’t have good old Poppy to take care of me (or any friends who sneak into the kitchens to bring me my favorite hot cocoa, take extra notes for the classes I miss the day before, or partake in highly dangerous and illegal secret plots to support me in crazy ways). Your gift was not only delicious, but it made me feel less alone. Thank you._

_I suppose the last few days have made me miss Hogwarts more than ever. It’s odd how much more bearable all the other transformations seem compared to the two I have at my parents’ house every summer. Really, what I’m missing is you. And James and Peter. It gets so lonely here. I can’t imagine it’s any better for you. Every time I write to James, it’s not as easy to write about the sort of emptiness that follows me and every other person in this tiny town when we’re home. He likes his parents and sees friends and I know he’d listen but I’d actually prefer he didn’t go all mother hen on me if I told him how much being home sucks when he’s telling me about fun summer adventures and telling me he misses me. And Pete’s off having the time of his life, I don’t want to drag him down._

_So, I guess, in a way that makes me an absolutely horrible friend, I’m almost glad that you also have a terrible time at home. I don’t want you to have a terrible time (especially since everything you’ve ever told me indicates that my house during the summers would be near heaven for you), of course. I’m just glad I have someone to talk to._

_Anyway, I miss you. I feel like I didn’t even get to say goodbye to you, which is ridiculous because I did. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just isolated and being weird._ ~~_We didn’t… we usually…_~~ _Ignore that._

_The most interesting thing to happen to me these last few days (aside from the obvious) is that I found a nice new ice cream shop down in the busier (a generous term) part of town. But that’s about all I’ve got._

_With Marauderly Love and Thanks,_

_Remus_

_July 12_

_MOONY,_

_I have much to say. I shall make a point by point list to respond to you properly._

  1. _I really thought I was being covert with my chocolates. Oh well. I’m glad you enjoyed them. I’m being 100% truthful when I say that my number one goal in life is to make sure you don’t feel alone. If I am ever failing, please hit me right in the bollocks to set me right._



  1. _Yes, my existence is tragically miserable. And your finding of solace in that fact makes me feel like a better person because I often feel the same way. James is probably the best listener I’ve ever met, but you listen too, and more than that, I always feel like you understand me._



  1. _Not loving the insinuation that you hold us back from having fun. It is factually untrue and also mean. Stop it._



  1. _I’m not going to ignore it. I felt the same way. It was always nice having someone to share a cozy bed with before going to spend months alone. I missed it too._



  1. _I demand to know more about this ice cream shop. Immediately. What flavors do they have? Are the people working there the comforting kind of old people or attractive young people??? I must know._



  1. _I miss you._



  1. _The most interesting thing to happen to me this week was that James sent me a howler as a joke and my mother had a tantrum about it. I laughed a lot._



_Mischievously yours,_

_Sirius_

_July 16_

_Dear Sirius,_

_I have enclosed a tacky, mildly pornographic poster with this letter. I thought it might go nicely on your wall of motherly disappointments. Or maybe you can just tack this one up right over the family tapestry._

_Lisa and I have been writing to each other a lot, but not much else is going on. I found an amazing little sweet shop in the muggle town a few kilometers over and they have amazing chocolates. I bought some to send to Remus later today. I keep seeing redheads and thinking of James. Maybe this will be the year he finally wears Evans down. I kind of hope it’s not. It’s a bit funny to watch him come up with new ways to woo her and epically fail at wooing her._

_I also saw a group of guys on those motorbikes you’re always admiring in muggle photos while I was in the muggle town, and so I asked them what they’re like and how much they cost. Even though I’m not great with muggle money, it seems clear that it is not a gift I can afford to just get you. James, maybe. But a few of them seemed quite proud of having fixed up their bikes themselves. I thought you’d find that interesting._

_I owled Honeydukes to check on securing our sweets supply for next year (both for eating and pranking) and they couldn’t believe I could ever need to purchase anything else from them ever again. I suppose it might seem odd to them that I was the name listed on our purchase of 800 chocolate frogs at the end of term. Anyway, we’re on a monthly pick-up schedule that matches the usual Hogsmeade weekends (Remus helped me figure it out). If the school weekends change, we can just sneak out with one of the passages._

_I hope your week has been better than most at your house. Tell Kreacher I said he can lick my hairy arse. And tell your mother the same._

_Marauderly wishes,_

_Peter_

_July 20_

_Dear James,_

_Sorry I haven’t written in a few days! In an unforeseen twist of events, I’ve actually been occupying myself with the company of another human being. I met a nice bloke while I was in town a few days ago, he’s about our age, and he has as little to do in this wasteland as I do. So I suppose I have a friend. He’s just moved, so he doesn’t think I’m as weird as everyone else around here. His name is Henry. He’s a muggle. He seems nice. He’s more engaging than my bedroom walls, at least._

_To answer your question, yes muggles do have things called weather forecasts. They can be a bit unpredictable, but they’re usually not too far off on big storms, so I suppose that would be helpful to know for the next step of the process. Good on Pete for thinking of that. Less good on you for neglecting to mention it for several weeks. I’ll see if I can find out anything about big storms. The issue is that all three of you live in different places._

_Sirius tells me you’ve been having nightmares about your animagus being something like a turtle or a worm. Chin up, mate. I think you’ll at least achieve a squirrel. My money is on a hen. You know why. Plus, the worst thing, I think, would be being a fish or something. Only able to live in water. You could only transform in the bathtub. Do you think the human you would die if fish animagus you was on land? Things to think about._

_Sometimes I wonder what my animagus would be, but I suppose I’ll never know. Technically, it’s not a mutually exclusive situation, but it’s dangerous and tricky. And I think I’ve had enough not being human to last me a few lifetimes. But when I do think about it, I always wish I could be like a hawk or an eagle or some majestic bird. I think it’d be cool to fly. Knowing my luck, I’d probably end up being a wolf. My parents named me Moon Moon for fuck’s sake._

_Good luck with those nightmares. Try not to dream about being a skunk._

_Your maraudering friend,_

_Moony_

_July 22_

_Dear Moony,_

_How DARE you have other friends??? If you make any more, we may have to revoke your maraudership. Here I am, sitting amongst my old old parents and a handful of other Hogwarts students, just constantly wishing they were my beloved friends, and yet you’re off forgetting us all and neglecting to write. It’s like you’ve already replaced me… my nest is empty. Who shall I mother now?_

_In all seriousness, I’m glad you’ve got someone around to make your teeny tiny town seem less lonely._

_Please don’t tell Sirius I used the word seriousness._

_I personally have just been flying around on my broom, practicing for quidditch most of the days. I write letters. I roll my eyes when my father makes jokes about my potential as a potions prodigy. I dream of a lovely redhead calling me an arrogant toerag. I do research for the map and pranks. And then I repeat._

_I read a couple books I overheard you and Lily talking about last year. I had to hunt them down in a muggle bookshop. Not a huge fan of Frankenstein. The guy could have done everything a lot better if he’d just used magic. I rather liked Pride and Prejudice though. Maybe someday, Lily will fall for me like Elizabeth ends up falling for Darcy. It’s all coming together._

_Speaking of which, have you heard from Evans this summer? How is she? Has she realized that she misses me yet? I’d send her a letter myself but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t end well for me._

_Anyway, we are scheduled to have our annual summer marauder week starting next Friday. I know you know this, but I must send a reminder because I miss you terribly and if you did not show up I would simply want to drown myself in the pool and become a ghost at Hogwarts who educates students on the benefits of werewolf friends and flirts with Lily Evans for all eternity. What a life that would be._

_I can’t wait to see you in precisely 8 days._

_Yours in mischief,_

_James_

_July 26_

_My Dearest Darlingest Petey the Pettigrew,_

_My love for you grows stronger by the hour. My passion for your letters intensifies each time an owl flies by my window. I dream of you each night, wishing to snugly be the dirt beneath your fingernails. I imagine us running away together and disguising ourselves as house elves in the Hogwarts kitchen, eating delicious snacks and celebrating our love every day._

_It is for these reasons that I must admit that the rumors of the end of your correspondence with your muggle girl do not sadden me. I fear that they fill me with foolish hope._

_Remember her fondly, as I remember my conquests from the local muggle pub. Use the confidence she gave you to steel yourself and admit your true feelings in everyday life and ask people on dates. (I know I’m the real love of your life, but I’m not sure you’re ready to handle me yet, so perhaps practice with a few more birds before you declare your undying love for me.)_

_I also still wish to see a photo of this muggle gal. Perhaps she can make the ever-famous wall in my bedroom. I’m always looking for reasons to piss off my mother. ...Perhaps I should tell her I shagged a muggle bloke in the pub last week. I’d love to see her face when I did. But it’s probably best that I don’t. Certainly not quite so close to the most epic marauder week to ever occur._

_I am bringing loads of firewhisky and James has a bunch as well. I am wondering if you can acquire for us those muggle fireworks. I hear they’re just explosives that they set off for fun. The first muggle invention that I think is superior to wizardkind. Maybe if you get some extras we can spend some time next year figuring out how to make magic ones. Benjy Fenwick is really good with that stuff. Maybe we can get him involved._

_With most passionate love,_

_Sirius Orion Black_

_July 27_

_Dear Remus,_

_I was sorry to hear that your muggle friend bailed on you. I truly cannot even begin to imagine any reasons why anyone would not want to be your best friend in the world._

_Well. More for me I guess. That guy is missing out. I, however, will not be missing out anymore in JUST THREE GODDAMN DAYS! Three days, Moony, and then the marauders shall be reunited. It shall be the most epic celebration of friendship and mischief this world has ever seen. It shall be everything I’ve been dreaming of in this dreary house._

_(sorry, i use the word shall a lot when I’m excited)_

_Be forewarned, my dear Moony. My hair is even longer and more luxurious than you remember. You may faint of pure jealousy. Or lust. Reactions cannot fully be predicted when it comes to the effects of my glorious mane. These locks could kill a man._

_(my mother is glaring at my hair more and more every day. It’s just past my shoulders now and she threatens to cut it about once per hour, but I get the idea that she’d rather get in shouting matches with me and the portraits than actually spend the time cutting off my precious hair.)_

_I got a letter from James yesterday that was just three and a half pages of pining over Evans. I don’t know how much longer I can take this, Moony. We’ve got to get it through his thick skull that it’s not gonna happen. … yeah, that’ll never happen. Maybe you can convince Evans to just go out with him so I don’t have to hear about it._

_Oh god, now I’m imagining how much he’d go on about it if they were actually together. Thank god she’ll never go out with him. That would be torture._

_Kreacher was muttering unkind things about werewolves yesterday. Don’t worry, I defended your honor by “accidentally” whacking him with a pan._

_I tried that awful tea you’re always drinking. I’ve been right all along. It’s awful. But the smell makes it feel a little more like Hogwarts with you guys, so I made a second cup._

_I am greatly looking forward to seeing you in THREE DAYS!!!! You better bring your A-game for chicken in the pool. I refuse to lose to James and Peter again. That was mortifying. So be prepared. I will reward you with chocolate._

_I miss you, but not for much longer. See you soon!!!!_

_Yours in Maraudery,_

_Sirius_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: a glimpse into the first month and a half of the summer for Remus and Sirius and a week of maraudering at the Potters'!  
> Thank you for reading and putting up with my bullshit. Comments and kudos are always appreciated! I love you guys!


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